It feels too far away at times

Have you ever got to a place where you feel as if nothing changes?

I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist with a low reach on social media and an undying desire to be heard. As of now I wrote a concept album and an EP, which I sometimes believe will never be put out there on the market. There are times when I wake up and feel as if singing in my room and trying my best to improve is not enough. I'm not enough. I am at a point in my life where I need to look for a job revolving around my freshly finished higher education in marketing. I need to sustain myself as a grown adult in a world that undermines dreams and roads towards real passion.
I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist with a strong urge to create and a low self-esteem that hides behind his notebooks and creative outbursts. I often find myself in the position of giving everything up at the cost of a single person hearing what I have to say through my songs. Did you ever feel that way? Did you ever feel as if nothing matters more to you than music? Your own music?
I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist that fails to find a good way to place himself out there and start the journey that he always longed for. I am an impatient twenty two year old man that puts art above everything else. I put art above everything else. I put art above everything else but does art do the same in exchange for me?
I am an artist. I am just another nothing that fates reality at its best and understand that good things need time and hard work. But working hard and not being able to see practical changes makes you feel static. And being static has only made my inspiration static. And a static inspiration leads to a static artist. And as static as I am as a person I am dynamic as an artist.
I am an artist. But sometimes, it feels as if I'm only dreaming of being an artist and that's not enough.

This hurts me.

I tried. I really tried to do this the right way. Again. Over and over again.You know what I have been through. Out of all people you should be aware of the pain that I carry around with me everywhere I go. I actually imagined that if I start letting myself feel again it will help. But I can't shake the feeling that I have been taken for a fool. Again. Over and over again. As if I am trapped in a loop of misery that should've never been mine to start with. I never did anything bad to people. The only thing that I ever did was being honest to the dishonest and loving to the hollow. Are we friends? Can we even call ourselves that? I know why you did not want to tell me directly how you felt about this situation. So you could move on in peace imagining whatever reaction you wanted. Me hearing it from somebody else or imagining it and thinking “huh, I’m really gonna miss this one." I tried to care about your feelings more than I ever did before. To keep you on a pedestal and let myself overthink situations at the risk of being drained and empty. Again. Over and over again. I took it because at that peculiar moment in time I believed you would do the same. Risk it or not it was never your own choice to make. It was my choice as well. These were my feelings and you had no right to take anything but responsibility for your actions. If I be wrong than so be it. But too bad. That’s not my reaction. This is. I'm not okay with this decision. I’m not okay with you choosing yourself. Be afraid now. Be afraid of the risk you took when you put yourself above our friendship. And I’m not okay with never seeing you, my best friend, ever again. But it has to happen. In order for us to work I can't see you as my best friend. Friends don't do that to one another. This hurts me. This hurts. Again. Over and over again. And as you move on, as you feel the pain of not seeing any emotion in my eyes again, as the time goes and nothing changes, that's what I want you to remember. That you hurt me. I'm sorry, truly.  You won't get to say goodbye.

I really tried not to.

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote something here. I got dressed pretty casual that night. Maybe I was scared. It was something so spontaneous that I did not want to waste any extra time on little things. Too scared to actually try and face the things that I have been going through lately. A few moments later I found myself locking the door. The past years have been quite interesting, to put it like that, because they taught me something important. I saw you as my friend and I swear to God that I still do.
They helped me grow more than the others. They made me a young adult. They made me a man. A man that switched from being emotionally unstable to being quite sure of what he wants to achieve in life. I drank a bit too much and for the first time in years I did not do it for a reason. The one that does not hold back from doing the things he considers worth fighting for. A man who has lost his house as a trade off for finding the true meaning of the word "home". One without a grandfather that sucked in like a sponge the wisdom from their experiences. I found myself. I revived from this unconscious motionless fall that I trapped myself in. I faced depression and I conquered it holding my head up high. I survived when I did not want to live. I drank when I swore I could not take it anymore. I smoked until I could not feel my lungs because I enjoyed the adrenaline rush it gave me. I had sex in order to feel something. I did it because I did not want it to be special in anyway. Things changed in me. And it was not. In that particular moment there was nothing special about it. I was so numb because of the amount of fake happiness that I poured into my body that I did not feel that much. I did it because I considered that nothing is going to come out of it and it did not. I had sex. The problem does not lie in the fact that I did something in the past anymore and for whatever reason I do not really care that much for the future when it comes to the love part of it all. We touched hands. I think that at this point in my life I am being confused by what real problems really mean, and that comes from a man-to-be that has faced a lot. We kissed and we started to undress one another. I'm confusing the labels in my head with other labels, mistaking friends for relationships and parents for simple friends. I have always had my thoughts in order for I have always liked to think that I'm a bright kind of a guy. I'm growing feelings inside for somebody that will never do the same. I'm confused. I'm falling for one of my closest friends. I owe to myself not to repeat the same mistakes again let alone with the same people for that would be something only a teenager would do. I am not going to stop my feelings towards you this time. I love my friends and I know for a fact that they love me back. I love you for you are one of my closest friends. I can't go back to a confused state of mind in which I'm not sure of what I want to do with my life. We had sex. I will let my experiences just be that and move on in order to gain even more. I felt something then and I tried to run away from it. I need to focus on what's real and what will have a chance of happening in my life! We had sex. We had sex and it did not MEAN anything! Then... I need to stop feeling things that I should not feel for people. Now... I need to stop and realize that what is going on right now is not helping me at all. We had sex and it MEANS everything.

Forget about the Fear of Failure (FFF)

          Ayn Rand once said, “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to achievement of your values.”  I believe that values are important, moral ones that is, for I believe that without them we would not be worthy of calling ourselves human beings. You see, we have been gifted with the capacity of choosing what we want to do and that should, by all means, only make us want to gain as many good qualities as possible. 

         There are times in our life when we feel insecure, when we tend to doubt ourselves and truthfully believe that we are not worth as much as people give us credit for. We lose our faith in both what we are capable of doing and in what we could do. Sadly, if not all of us then most go through that phase at least once in our lifetime, but it only feels like a burden because we let it be that way. In the end it only pushes us up to the point when, without realizing, we’ve gathered even more moral values, mastered things we never thought we could or simply find ourselves in the position of being that I-never-imagined-I-could-do-this type of person.  As shocking as it may seem, we all are good at something. 

         Once, a friend of mine was wondering what he was good at and he wanted my opinion. Avoiding giving him an absolute cliché as an answer, I became speechless and wanted to avoid the subject as quickly as possible.  The only thing that came to my mind in that moment was that I wanted to tell him something so nice that I would’ve restarted that burning desire of wanting to live in him. Unfortunately I failed. Here’s the tricky part about it. You think of what you’re good at and then you think that you are good at several other things as well. You are patient, loving, and honest and whatever other quality comes to your mind but you don’t own them all, and here’s where the fear of not being good enough takes over.  

        I am for sure not the most suitable person to give advice, because I am still in a constant battle with myself and my inner demons, but there’s one thing I know for sure. A saying that’s been passed throughout generations sounds something like this: A grandmother once told her daughter to tell her child that no matter what her grandchild would do he should never let his children doubt themselves when it came to what they’re capable of. This is the myth of the triple F royal blooded ones (The fierce most fearless family) or maybe just an unique way for me to show off my vast imagination. Unfortunately, it is not only useful, but also contributes to my self-destruction.  

         The truth of the matter is, you can't keep closing your eyes hoping that you'll become invisible and that your doubts will go away. Even if you like it or not, you'll be forced to grow up and you won't be kept on a pedestal forever. I am close to being one hundred percent sure that we all have great moral values even if we don’t realize it at the time being. For what it’s worth, I do plan on conquering this war I’m involved in. If the achievement of my happiness is the only moral purpose of my life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of my moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of my loyalty to achievement of my values, then I believe I have a cause worth fighting for.   

Carpe diem

    George S. Patton once said, "It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." I am just going to start by saying that I do not have any regrets so far, and yet again, saying that would not be entirely true. I always had to struggle with the idea of not having the things I wanted to do done and not caring too much for the things I have done without being fully aware of the consequences. My actions prompted me to engage in the strangest most different things that would only put me in the position of wanting to do even more.
     Truth be told, I don't fear the idea of dying, for I believe that death itself only means another way for us to continue our way of being, so to speak. I highly believe that life should be lived at its fullest. As mentioned before, I don't fear death but I do fear the idea of dying before I have done everything I have ever wanted to do. The confusing part of it all is the fact that I don't have my whole life planned out and for all I know, I haven't figured out who I am either. So to have the audacity to say that my hourglass' sand has run out would only make me want to flip it and start over.
     Thinking of what I would do before my time would finally be at its end only makes me go on trips down memory lane. Isn't that what they say? That right before you die you  have a flashback which revolves around mainly everything you have ever lived that made an impact on your life. I can't help but wonder whether or not I have accomplished enough until this exact moment let alone will I know if I did in my final ones.

      Rain, yes, rain! I would stay in that peaceful outburst of neat raindrops and just let loose, that's if, of course, my health would let it happen. I would probably sing on a big stage in front of thousands of people if I would not be unknown and maybe, just maybe make myself some time to visit all of the worth remembering places. I would swim into a golden sea while staring at a cerulean painting of the sky because looking at the sky itself would be too mainstream for both me and my technology-dependent generation. I would probably redo every single thing I have done not caring about how much money it would take or I would perhaps be too poor to even have that opportunity. 
      Needless to say, I would do everything that I desire but this idea has its imperfections. I'm well aware of what I would do if I were to die right now but that happens only because by the time you have finished reading this sentence, that "right now" part would have already made some room in your past. You see, it's easy to say what you would or would not do but having to know that you are not going to die by the time you have finished reading this so called "essay" of mine really helps out. Imagine having to do one last thing realizing that by the end of it your soul would already have left your body and your body would already have become a corpse. 
      I am not certain of what I would do before I die and to be completely honest I don't even want to think it through. There's something I know for sure, I do want to be remembered after I stop being a part of this world and undoubtedly I would not want to be mourned over. 
      To sum up, I really have no clue of what I would do. Let's just say that as spontaneous as I like to consider myself I'm just going to have a huge surprise and let this thought of mine be for now. If I have come to a conclusion out of this it's the fact that I am pretty sure I wouldn't want for that moment to catch me off-guard while writing this essay. As for my advice to you? Carpe diem! 
   

Breaking boundaries on the count of five...

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time.

“Whenever you look at the sky Galileo, you are not able to see through, but you are able with your mind to break the law of gravity, and simply stare at the universe. What do you see?” I kept on telling myself. “Just remember that almost all the people in this world probably thought of it, but haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had. They did not seek to find, they’ve just wondered and kept on going with their lives.”
I could think no more. I’ve always been unusually open-minded but in a reserved way, and I understood that behind the story it lays something bigger. In consequence, I’m inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of my own ideas that were beyond my comprehension. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was unjustly accused of being a day-dreamer. Most of my confidences were considered by others pure madness — frequently I have lost sleep, preoccupation, or a hostile meal when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in which they express them, are usually plagiaristic. Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget that.
And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I came to the admission that it has a limit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the North last winter I felt that I wanted the world to be in balance and at a sort of moral attention forever and always; I wanted no less than that. Only the high priest, the man who pledges his heart and his soul to the church, was startled of my beliefs. If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life and after-life. This is something that I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. Although have I seen in him beauty, and by that I refer to his mind, I strongly doubt our ideas would ever be able to unite to be on an equal level when it comes to debating them.

So, courage have I got, debate me he will not, for I know my facts are based on reality and he’s are based on false hope.
The discussion took place near his lake house which was narrow and pretty old at first sight, place where he told me I should wait for him in order to exchange opinions. Oddly, he was out of town for quite a long amount of time.
Three days after his arrival, the high priest came back to town. The visit ended, he had me requested to be so good as to come to his house.
"Galileo, the one with outstanding ideas about the universe" he said to me, "how many people have you met that actually agree with you at the present moment?"
"None so far, father."
"That was the number which I counted," replied he quickly.
"The people," pursued the priest, "are very much short-minded these days."
"That is what I observed."
"Their ideas are only based on faith, and it is with difficulty that this thing can be changed in them."
"So it seems to me."
"And then, when there is a drop of hope, the mind is easily deceptive."
"That was what I said to myself, better yet, that is the thought which occurred to me."
"Why would you think otherwise?" said the priest. "One must resign one's self."
This conversation took place in the dining-room on the third floor.
I remained silent for a moment; then I turned abruptly to the priest.
„Father," I said, "why should I not enlighten people?"
He looked at me with a domineering look and after an ironic sigh he answered.
„ I fancy you, Galileo, you are actually a strong believer in your own concepts, little do you know, you will fail badly, for I will never approve on such a delusional theory!”
“Excuse me if I am too forward but I believe it is quite late for your intervention, father. The thing that slips your mind is that I have already begun my research in the theory of a geocentric, or Earth-centered, universe.”
He frowned and he felt the need to sit and fired back at me with his agruments, I let him no time to do so. I helped him sit and went on with my observation even though I knew he abhored it.
„My observations strengthen my belief in Copernicus' theory that Earth and all other planets revolve around the Sun. Most people, take you for example,  believe that the Earth is the center of the universe and that the Sun and planets revolve around it.”
“But still, this is outrageous! I cannot believe that you could think of such an abomination! You need to be stopped one way or another before...”
I spontaneously cut his line and tried to open his eyes to what really happened! I thought to myself, “Can he be so blinded by his beliefs that he cannot understand what I’m trying to explain?”
Soon my questions were answered...
“Please Father; excuse me again if my behaviour was inappropriate. I hope we can pass over this misunderstanding and I’m looking forward to seeing you again after a while, in better terms, of course.”
The priest looked at me and with a trembling voice he whispered.
“Oh, mister Galileo, we shall meet again! You can count on that. God bless you!”

As he finished his words I went straight home without looking back and fascinated by the results of this conversation I was finally convinced and determined to pursue my work and to make my intentions public.
Not long after that I started writing day and night in order to accomplish my goal, my own book based on my theories and observations that I’ve come to make in a sneaky kind of way. I was so proud of my masterpiece due to the fact that I could be able to finally make people see through my eyes, through my perspectives, to understand my point of view. So I’ve forwarded my work and published my papers about my astronomy discoveries and my belief in a heliocentric, or Sun-centered, Universe.
Time kept passing by and I was finally making amends with my mind until one day when I was taken aback by an envelope that contained a subpoena, thing that actually made me have chills running down my spine. I panicked for a second and then I read the letter.

”Dear Mr. Galileo,

We are informing you that your presence is requested in Rome, immediately. Do not waste time packing too much clothing. We assume it won’t be needed.

With respect,

The Catholic Church.”

So many questions crossed my mind without me even being able to finding an answer, but by the time I have arrived, I seemed to have always known, deep down my conscience.
“Welcome Mr. Galileo. We are accusing you of heresy. As a consequence, you are sentenced to death.”
No time was given to me to actually react, so I have went with the idea that this consequence was out of my great results. I knew then that the church did so, because it was aware as well as I was that I was right and the ironic turn of events led to me being free of charge. This temporary freedom as any good thing has its strings attached. I was free of charge, but I was kept in touch with the fact that I should no longer public anything about my heliocentricity.

I knew that once started, there is no turning back. So I kept on going with writing for I was well-aware that people should stay in the dark no longer. Little did I know that my theories were to get me back in jail and this time permanently!
So now, I’m standing here, above the Earth, looking straight at the Universe for my time has passed and the years have gone; for my job is done and my work alive and none the less for I was right. The planets revolve around the lava star and I with Copernicus point at the priest who lived in complete denial. It’s funny though, how you spent your whole life trying to solve a thing you believe in, and someone, somehow, tries, but obviously fails to stop you.
You will one day see how he’s standing on a higher cliff starring at the Universe being completely star struck.

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time. They did not do so. They metamorphosed me into the outstanding spirit that I am now. It’s odd and nowadays, and by that I mean your days, reader, even though it’s a cliché, you need to hold on to your dreams and fight for your own justice. The award - it’s heliocentric! 

BOOM.

Si de atunci, vorba lor a devenit "Ne vedem duminica!", ziua in care se aflau la momentul respectiv fiind irelevanta, ca doar, acest enunt nu era folosit ca un "adio" ci mai repede ca un "nu-mi spune pa ca iti spun buna". Intelegi tu? Vorba asta era folosita pentru a-si oferi unul altuia siguranta ca se vor revedea curand. Maine? Peste un an? Peste o ora? Era spontan! Nu era ceva exact fiindca aceasta propozitie nu era folosita cu sensul denotativ, ea cuprindea multe. Cuprindea atat locul cat si ora, insa nu erau usor de ghicit. Asta te intriga. Te intriga faptul ca desi ei stiau exact fiecare detaliu, ceilalti, ceilalti stiau doar ca se vor vedea duminica.

Ploaie cu soare intr-un labirint...

   Deci cum spuneam draga mea, eu am sa incerc sa iti explic ceea ce simt pe planul meu, te iau in lumea mea fiindca stii tu, eu cu realitatea nu ne prea intelegem asa ca deschide-ti sufletul fiindca am sa iti repet ce ti-am spus intr-un mod normal in modul meu.
    Dupa cum ti-am spus de multe ori iubesc ploaia, si azi a plouat cu soare. Imagineaza-ti ca sentimentele mele pe care nu le pot reda in cuvinte sunt asemeni acestei ploi. Imagineaza-ti ca eu in acea ploaie cu soare mi-as deschide o umbrela, fiindca asa cum ai spus si tu, trebuie sa ma izolez de acele sentimente ca sa pot trece mai departe, insa daca fac asta, pentru mine ploaia asta nu ar mai insemna nimic, mi-as deschide umbrela si nu as permite nici macar unei picaturi sa ma ude. As trece prin ea ca si cum ea nu ar conta si asta ar face ca pentru mine ploaia in sine sa isi piarda tot farmecul, as ramane rece, as trece indiferent prin ea fara sa mai simt nimic. Stii ca ti-am mai spus, eu imi traiesc viata la o intesitate mult mai mare fata de restul fiindca pe plan...
    Spiritual?
     Da! Pe plan spiritual ma simt mult mai evoluat fata de ceilalti din jurul meu, insa sa nu ne abatem de la subiect.
     Te rog continua-ti ideea.
      Cum spuneam mai devreme, daca as deschide acea umbrela as simti cum niciodata nu as mai putea sa ma bucur de o ploaie cu soare si pentru mine nu ar fi o solutie. In acelasi timp, daca as continua sa merg prin ea mereu as plange, stii cum se spune, poti plange cand ploua fiindca nu observa nimeni, insa nu as putea sa rezist facand acest lucru fara ca intr-o zi, lacrimile mele sa nu se opreasca. Nu stiu ce sa fac, ce drum sa aleg, par sa fiu prins in aceasta situatie. Orice as face voi trece peste si nu sunt pregatit sa fac asta, nu acum, nu prea curand.
      Dragul meu, voi incerca sa iti raspund la aceasta nedumerire intrand in planul tau fiindca altfel nici eu nu stiu cum ne-am mai putea intelege. Vezi tu, daca alegi sa iti deschizi umbrela tu vei reusi sa treci peste acest val de sentimente care te seaca de orice enegrie, care te macina si care iti face numai rau, insa totodata inteleg ceea ce spui, alegi calea mai complicata, alegi sa tragi de aceste sentimente insa nu inteleg de ce sa faci asta, de ce...
      Sa aleg calea mai grea? Fiindca e calea care-mi garanteaza ca ma pot tine de aceste sentimente cat pot de tare.
      Imagineaza-ti tu acum ca si in cazul meu, desi eu simt totul la o intesitate mai mica, incercarile ma trec ca printr-un labirint. Prefer ca in loc sa ma blochez intr-o infudatura sa continui sa fac un pas inainte spre o portita. Doar esti constient, mereu exista o portita de scapare.
      Spune-mi doar, care este portita mea de scapare? Care ar fi modul prin care eu as putea trece peste fiindca nu pot, nu acum, nu...

      Nu pot sa te las sa iti continui aceasta idee! Nu stii ce se va intampla in viitor. Te cred, nu poti acum insa nu poti sa spui ce se va intampla maine, sau poimaine, sau pe viitor. Nu folosi termenul de "niciodata".
      Si totusi, cum scap din aceasta capcana ca altfel nu ii pot spune, ma simt epuizat, nu mai vreau sa lupt.
      Eu iti spun ceea ce imi spun singura si mie, prefer sa continui sa fac un pas, mic, baby steps, nu te grabeste nimeni, insa acel pas ma va duce spre un nou drum si pana la urmatoarea fundatura eu voi merge pe ideea aia...
      Enjoy the ride?
      Intocmai. In cazul tau, dragule, eu spun sa iti deschizi umbrela pentru a putea sa iti aduni puterile sa poti la urmatoarea ploaie cu soare care va veni sa o inchizi si sa te bucuri, fiindca ploi cu soare vor mai fi multe, de asta sa fii sigur.
     Ne vom invarti mereu in cerc? Nu vom scapa niciodata de aceste labirinturi si ploi cu soare?
     Vom continua sa cautam, sa fim raniti si sa ranim pentru a putea supravietui, fiindca premiul depaseste orice asteptare a noastra si chiar merita munca pana la el.
     Acel premiu fiind?
     Acea ploaie cu soare care intr-un final pe tine te va aduce la portita mea de scapare, iar tu, tu vei reusi sa ma scoti pe mine din acea fundatura si eu, eu voi putea sa imi continui drumul fara a mai da de alte fundaturi. Vom reusi in final sa avem acea explozie de sentimente, acea ploaie cu soare care va zbura orice umbrela intr-un labirint fara de fundaturi.

Melancolia de la miezul noptii...

Imi batea inima in disperare parca undeva in interiorul gatului si ochii incepura sa mi se umezeasca. Eram asemeni unui ceas care in nefiinta sa avea un singur rol, acela de a arata omului incult timpul, dar caruia incerca parca o forta ca a lui Zeus sa ii scoata bateria. Ma simteam secat de orice putere si ma presa gandul ca eram defect intr-un mod sau altul, ca doar, ce om pierde atatia oameni din jurul lui intr-un timp atat de scurt? Trebuia sa fi fost ceva mai mult la mijloc. Ma luase dorul dar nu aratam la nimeni ca ma doare. Eram un pahar perfect confectionat dar care prin oglindirea lui in apa se remarcau miile de cioburi ce zburdau parca pretutindeni. Eram distrus dar nu aratam asta. Eram spart de timpul care fara de baterie parca nu mai avea sens. Imi era dor de ei toti si ma ucidea faptul ca nu-i voi mai avea vreodata.

"Mi-a fost dor de tine si mi-ai lipsit..."

"Ursi polari, zebre, gazele cu adrenalina in sange vanate de tigrii culturisti, unicornii pe care eu ii vad negri, gri sunt doar caii virgini ce le-au crescut un penisache in frunte si sunt dubios de colorati, somnorosii ursi koala si multe alte animale preferate."


"Alb de lapte, alb, alb albastru, alb de zapada, alb de zinc, verde masliniu, verde opalin, verde menta, verde absint, verde indigo, gri, gri perla, aramiu, saten, blond, roscat, caramiziu, chihlimbar, bleu marin, azuriu, abanos, galben... sunt doar cateva culori preferate... trebuie sa vezi cum ursul panda a ramas singurul ( alaturi de alte cateva specii) cu schita necolorata de Dumnezeu..."


One day baby we'll be old.


"mi e dor de tine mereu.."

A never ending circle of pain...

Once someone gets hurt they become damaged, and once they are damaged they become colder and colder by evey minute that passes by. Once changed, he can never come back to what he was. He is cursed with the feeling that he will never open up to someone again and by that he will himself damage another. What an unbreakable chain we have here huh?

Going backwards.

        T.S. Eliot once said: “What we call the beginning is often the end.  And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”

       So let’s start from the ending. It’s my last day on this wonderful world and I can honestly say I will finish my let’s call it journey in peace. I am fulfilled. I have had the opportunity of having opportunities, the chance of taking chances and I risked spending my entire life risking. Indeed, I am that old rusty man standing on the porch waiting for his last minutes to vanish, enjoying all the things normal people forget about, as the sun, the cold pouring rain in the middle of the hot summer, like the smell of grass and not to forget about the trips to memory lane. Yes, these are the most important. Once I’m gone, my memories are gone along with me and the only thing remaining on this great land will be my memory in the eyes of the others.  My life goes by in the blink of an eye.

       Oh I can’t imagine a harder period of my life than this. Being an adult is so complicated. My children are driving me crazy and I honestly cannot stand my father in law, he can be so annoying. Why in the world have I agreed with the love of my life to get among us this horrifying creature?  He seems so angry all the time. I wonder if ever I will face harder times than this. It’s outrageous! I am not stressed, I am beyond stressed, I am overwhelmed.  I don’t feel appreciated at all. I can’t wait to be older to get some peace and quiet of my own. If only I knew what life brings me in the future, that would be great! Obviously I have to go, Ben is hungry again. “Be right there to help you, darling!” Oh God what have I done wrong that you punish me this hard?

       I don’t understand them at all, they are too strict. Don’t they ever have fun? Why is my dad always so bumped up or my mother so worried all the time? I am young; I need to be wild and free. Who needs school? Who needs them? I can do very well on my own. I want to see the whole world and have an adventure of my own as I’ve seen in those cool Tom Cruise movies. Will they ever understand that I will do as I please? I am much more mature then they are. They know nothing! Why can’t they just leave me alone? Now I am grounded for throwing a party they did not know about.  Have they forgotten how it’s like to be young? Of course they have, they still listen to songs like “singing in the rain” and “don’t stop believing”. They are pathetic. I will get out of this house through the window as I always do. See you in the morning grannies. I’m out!

       So I woke up here, in a place I do not know, in the middle of nowhere. I found myself near people I do not find familiar that just whisper to my ear these weird words that oddly make me stop this continuous scream filled with confusion and feelings of insecurity. I believe this woman is my mother and he, the one standing there as he was made out of concrete might be my beloved father. Who knows?  Maybe this is a new beginning.

The revelation of a drunk man

      

     Pardon me for being a little dizzy but I have been trying to stop being sad by drinking. I must tell you something really important before I go to sleep or probably black out so please listen carefully.  So I took a couple of drinks with some friends of mine some hours back and they started this weird conversation about some man called Malcom X that once said: “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything”.

     I have been thinking about this sentence and I honestly, tried to interpret its meaning in a positive way but the truth of the matter is I actually cannot. The thing is, as much as you’d revolve around this idea you can understand its basic meaning which would be the one that a man, a human being that does not believe in anything and does not have faith in anything will be falling for everything. Yet again, you could debate on this idea saying that it could mean a simple balance between two things, a mistake (not standing for anything) and a consequence (not being able to avoid falling for anything).

    I believe this sentence highlights the main goal a man should be aiming for, the one about having to trust someone, not being alone and actually do the exact opposite that the quote says because if you get to think about it, there is no man in the entire world that has never stood up for anything in his life! You can never be that one man that falls for anything for God has left you with your own judgment in order to avoid situations alike.  So tell me now, what would do a man that stood for anything and fell for nothing at all? Would that be a better alternative?  Wouldn’t that make him cold hearted and unreachable? Wouldn’t that be awful?

    So be that man that stands for something! Stand for the things you desire most because it’s worth it. Be like this and you will certainly not be falling for anything.

Cheers!!!

The art of war

                  I should start this discussion by saying that lately I have been thinking about something that just can’t be avoided. It might seem random but the thought that has been consuming me is the one about war. It takes many shapes and each of them has a different influence among people. The one I am most concerned of, and the one I will start debating on, is about the war between bodies, or in other words, if you can call it so, an ordinary war.

           The first thing that went through my mind is obviously a let’s say painting. I will start from the beginning. Imagine a white piece of paper and yourself, starting to create a landscape with a brush that can not only make your work of art realistic, but can also bring it to life. So choose your colors and choose them wisely! You know what they say; one wrong move and the whole thing can turn out into a complete disaster. So paint your lands and paint the strongest warriors you have in your mind, but don’t forget, it doesn’t matter how many you make, you need to keep on going. Got it so far?

       I am not sure that I completely follow.

       Neither do I, so keep on going!

      As I was saying, this need of repeatedly and non-stop duty will sooner or later exhaust me, thing I should stop from happening. But here comes the big question: “How?” How in the world can you keep your chin up when your colors are almost over and the only one remaining is the one that must not be used?

       Which is?

       Red!

      Red is the color that symbolizes the tragedy, the blood.  The war has begun!  Pain, sorrow? Yes, it’s everywhere. Everywhere I look I can see people suffering, my lands shivering and my people, oh my people are soon to be gone. The ones that used to keep their shields up are now crying for help; they are terrified, they are fading from my painting as I, with my own free will chose to erase them.

       So you mean…?

         Yes! That’s exactly what I mean! Once used red you can never go back. Tell me now, isn’t this the worst and most awful painting you would ever see?

        Truth be told, it wouldn’t. You see… I have been thinking about war these days as well. But not about the one you mentioned earlier but about one much deeper, let’s say a more spiritual one, the one between souls, or in other words, another war.

         So you can give this painting another meaning? Is that what you want to say?

        I believe I do, and I believe I can not only give it another meaning but also change your whole point of view when it comes to what’s truly an awful painting.

      If you don’t mind I will grab a piece of paper myself and start throwing colors all around it, not giving it a certain meaning. No landscapes, not trying to make it look realistic because this painting will bring itself to life. So I chose my colors and I chose them wisely.

       But…

       I know what they say!  So I’ll paint randomly the strongest feelings, not warriors, I have in my soul but no matter how hard I’ll try I will never be able to make something easily understood.

      All of us have at least once been through the battle of our soul against another. It’s that moment when you do not use your body but you follow your instincts, you do what you desire or what you are forced to do. Imagine that from my combination of colors you see with the eyes of your soul, love, and you can only use your sealed lips that can reach out to another pair alike, and can only hear with your deaf ears the silence while the screaming ache brings you pain.

       That still doesn’t mean that this soul to soul battle outmatches the ordinary war. In fact…

       Just wait and listen carefully! Imagine yourself being handcuffed and tied up not being able to say, hear, or see anything, but yet again you feel the urge of saying things, hearing things, and seeing things.  What happens then? You would pick the ordinary war which you’ve just spoken about, because you could use your strength, your judgment and the help of the others. Remember! The biggest difference between these two wars is the fact that you get help, I don’t! It’s one soul against another, and that; that brings a lot of pain!

       I believe you are right!

       Unfortunately, I don’t!

       Why don’t you agree?

       My turn to represent my vision on a piece of paper!  So wipe the paintings and let’s reset!  Have you ever wondered that it might be a third type of war? I’m going to turn your world upside down. Indeed there is another type, a combination between the ones you’ve both talked about, the one between bodies and souls or in other words, the last war.  No landscapes, no brushes, not anything at all. Just a wise choice of colors which combines two opposite, but yet again, two things that can’t be one without the other.  So I’ll let you paint this one for me with the bounding between your tough battles!  We all know that the body united with the soul makes one unique human being, but when one is not in complete harmony with the other…

       Then what?!

       Then, the body is the prison for the soul, and if the soul is imprisoned in the body then it blocks its evolution leading to a horrifying result! The dualism between the body and the soul is clearly evident, and due to this fact, the body is the subservient and the soul is in charge. However it is just that the soul is the master while the body is the obedient servant. 

     Enlighten me for a moment! I do want to understand it’s just…

      Don’t worry! It’s not as complicated as it seems. Hand me the brush and follow my lead with your imagination! The soul inspires what we should do, like the driver who decides where he wants to go. Oh, one more thing, here comes a new element, the mind or so that you can continue imaginating, the leader of the body. It takes the inspiration and finds a way to achieve the soul’s goal like a steering wheel.  The body performs what has to be done, like the car which takes the driver to his desired destination.  If the soul knows what do to in our interest and the body just obeys to commands, then it is pretty clear that most of the problems we meet in our lives can find their happy ending.

       So, if it is such a good balance between these two how can you say there is a war between them?  You’ve lost me as well…

       Look! The human being it’s a miraculous fusion of three polar opposites, the soul, the body and the mind, living in contradiction. But let me ask you something, what if the mind does misinterpret the souls directions, what if it doesn’t find the right way to reach the destination, the light at the end of the tunnel, the balance,  or in other words,  what would  the unskilled human do if he can’t drive the car?

       But that would mean…

     Yes, it means he will end up losing his way. One last thing, remember, the soul says what, the mind finds how and the body does it! So let’s combine the paintings as we agreed on. What do we see?

     The first shows the pure blood thirst, the ability of a group of individuals training for a huge battle, the supreme sacrifice, and the total involvement into a cause which has its result reaching out for the greater good …

       And the second?

       The second shows that in this kind of war there are involved feelings, disappointments, achievements and the incapability of using anything but your own soul as a weapon but not being able to have the body as a shield.

       What about the third?

      The third shows that in order to avoid a war, a human being will need to be at a full concentration rate so that he will not bring him or others the catastrophic outcome.

       So which one of these do you think is considered the worst war of them all?

Teenage dream.

I should start by saying that I did stay and stare at the title for a couple of hours so far because I did not know how to start this essay. I believe that this just one word contains so many things that cannot be simply written. It would not be enough or at least that’s what I believe.

          Starting with the definition of this word we see that the adolescence is the stage of youth, or maturity. If you think about it this definition does not even cover a tiny part of this entire period of life, actually, it is not even close.  Adolescence is the part of one’s life that he or she will never forget due to the fact that it plays an important role in the formation and evolution of all people. It is considered a bridge that leads you from your way of being a child to a grown up responsible person. I do find the fact that parents think they really know their children while going through adolescence honestly hilarious because it’s the most unpredictable and mysteries moment of someone’s life. What they know, in most cases, is their child’s external behavior, the one he wants his parent to see. However, if a child crosses the lines their parents drew for them then automatically he is labeled as being the absurd and out of control one. 

       The thing I never understood was why did elder people believe that the adolescent himself cannot have his own ideas or opinions, face his own problems ( for having problems at such an early age is unacceptable and out of discussion) or try to let’s say emancipate himself from his parents by trying to become a responsible person in life. Don’t they remember how it’s like being a teenager? How mean people are or how hard the times are? How down you feel and disappointed by others or how fast you change your personal mood from one to another? I for one find that hard to believe. I do because I can’t imagine myself being an adult and not remembering all the fun and the bad times I’ve had throughout my adolescence.

          I may continue this idea by saying that these days; teenagers are faced with serious issues that may lead them to do unimaginable things. Let’s not forget dear adults that this is the age where children discover alcohol, some discover drugs, some start their love life and so on. Note for the ones living in the past, times have changed; people have changed, deal with it. It is the time that you must know from one of them, the rebellious, that having to do what you did at an earlier age does not make us nor stupid nor unable to make the right choices but it makes us a let’s say leveled up species. Teenagers these days already have the capacity of judging and dealing with adult issues maybe by the fact that they have more free will then the ones back then.

         Cutting to the chase, being an adolescent has its ups and downs. I don’t believe I’ve made this period of every people’s life any clearer but there’s just one thing you should remember, when you’re finished taking the road trip to the bridge never forget to get a trip back to the memory lane every once in a while. You can be the difference all the kids want to see in their parents. 

Signed,

Forever young.

The one that can’t be moved

       Oh, another day has come and I, I feel again as lonely and as misunderstood as I felt yesterday. Oh if I could just walk by myself for only once in my life, Lord, wouldn’t that be great and if only by miracles’ touch I could talk and fill myself with laughter would it make me happier. I can’t sing as others or join people when they are dancing.

       Oh, I still remember how the group of people that are now adults were shaking their bodies and smiled to the all mighty sun while being kids. Oh, but that was such a long time ago, when I was strong and envied by my other friends because oh, was I feared by all the others. And now, now I feel as sad as I can be and oh, if only I had human eyes to shed a tear and help the ground that has kept me still for such a long time I would and oh, if I had a mouth I would scream from the top of my longs and oh, how much I’d want skin so that I could feel pain and chills every time something would amaze me. But in the end, I am just a humble stone and oh, do I desire a heart, that magical let’s say object that has a certain time when it actually bursts into millions of beats and oh, how I’d want to feel like I’m in love but…

      Oh another day has come and I, I feel again as lonely and as misunderstood as I felt yesterday. So as I stay and stare at the burning sun that waits for the moon to take its place, please tell me, you the one that cannot hear the silence and look me in the eyes, would you trade your life for mine at least until tomorrow will become the new yesterday?

Can’t expect the unexpected

    Lisa Shue once said: “I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me." I wonder if I can 100% relate… I do! Or maybe…
    I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger.
    What did I expect? I expected I would be successful by the time I would have made it to high school. According to the ways we define success in our culture, basically, I would have had more of an easy and luxurious life waiting for me to embrace it, at least a house, actually several, in a few exotic locations, probably a lot of money, a wonderful relationship full of romance and childish yet mature enough acts that would never tear me and my amazing soul mate apart. My life expectations from the outside view would have fit all the cultural categories of a successful self-made soon to become man. I would have been famous, happy and wealthy.

     I used to believe that life will bring me only joy.  By the time I would have gotten old enough not to be able to move myself in the opposite direction the world usually revolves itself, giving up on fighting for something and let myself slide alongside with the Earth, I would have had all the things I desired.  Unfortunately, I was as wrong as I could have possibly been.

    Life does not give you anything for free or as Mark Twain says it, “Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Many believe that making expectations will help them achieve their whishes because they need something to attach to, they need to have some faith in their own power of will but yet again, honestly being said, humans greed will never let him be happy or satisfied with what he has. It’s never good enough.

    Now, I can say that I do not have so many expectations from life for it is never known what will come, what obstacles we will need to face, what opportunities we will decline and so on. So yes! I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger and now… I will go with the idea that I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me or maybe…

Conceptii.Interpretari

                                       De ce faci asta?

                                                                             Fiindca vreau sa va doara!

       Ce a declansat asta?

                                                   Voi!

         Cum asa?

                                 Simplu!

                                                         De ce fix noi?

         Tu!

                       Eu?

                                                                                                          Sigur!

                  Interpretezi...

                      
 Nu, e adevarat ceea ce spun eu!

           
                      Dar lasa-ma macar sa...

                                                         
            Nu!

           
                          Atunci incearca macar sa intelegi ca...

         Nu!

                                            Opreste-te!

               M-am oprit...

                                                           Lasa-ma sa iti explic!

     Ascult.

                                  Vezi?

                                                   Inteleg.

         Minti!

                       Interpretezi...

                                                                   Opreste-te!

      Din?

                               Termina!

           Ce?

                      Ajunge!

                                                      Unde?

        Aici!

                             Ce aici?

                  Asta!

                                                           Care asta?

                                                                                                     Totul.

                             Ce conceptie...

     Pripita?

                                                                                                                                     Jalnica!

                                                                                   Fals!

                                Cum?

           Complex!

                                                     Din contra!

                                                                                                              Facil?

                                  Neg!

                                                                                Fiindca iti e frica!

                                                  De cine?

      De ce!

                            Ce?

                                                                                             Conceptii.

           Ale?

                                                     Tale!

                          Sau?

                                                                            Mele!

                                           Interpretezi...

                                                                                                                      Opreste-te!

                                                                    Nu am inceput nimic...

          Inca!

                                 In fine, ajunge!

                                                                                     Cine?

            Asta!

                                                        Unde?

                           Stop!

                                                                                 Start!

                                                                                                                    M-am saturat...

                      Scuze!

                                                       Pentru?

                                                                                                   Tot!

                                 Haide...

Unde?

                                                                                                                          Spre nicaieri....