This hurts me.

I tried. I really tried to do this the right way. Again. Over and over again.You know what I have been through. Out of all people you should be aware of the pain that I carry around with me everywhere I go. I actually imagined that if I start letting myself feel again it will help. But I can't shake the feeling that I have been taken for a fool. Again. Over and over again. As if I am trapped in a loop of misery that should've never been mine to start with. I never did anything bad to people. The only thing that I ever did was being honest to the dishonest and loving to the hollow. Are we friends? Can we even call ourselves that? I know why you did not want to tell me directly how you felt about this situation. So you could move on in peace imagining whatever reaction you wanted. Me hearing it from somebody else or imagining it and thinking “huh, I’m really gonna miss this one." I tried to care about your feelings more than I ever did before. To keep you on a pedestal and let myself overthink situations at the risk of being drained and empty. Again. Over and over again. I took it because at that peculiar moment in time I believed you would do the same. Risk it or not it was never your own choice to make. It was my choice as well. These were my feelings and you had no right to take anything but responsibility for your actions. If I be wrong than so be it. But too bad. That’s not my reaction. This is. I'm not okay with this decision. I’m not okay with you choosing yourself. Be afraid now. Be afraid of the risk you took when you put yourself above our friendship. And I’m not okay with never seeing you, my best friend, ever again. But it has to happen. In order for us to work I can't see you as my best friend. Friends don't do that to one another. This hurts me. This hurts. Again. Over and over again. And as you move on, as you feel the pain of not seeing any emotion in my eyes again, as the time goes and nothing changes, that's what I want you to remember. That you hurt me. I'm sorry, truly.  You won't get to say goodbye.