I really tried not to.

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote something here. I got dressed pretty casual that night. Maybe I was scared. It was something so spontaneous that I did not want to waste any extra time on little things. Too scared to actually try and face the things that I have been going through lately. A few moments later I found myself locking the door. The past years have been quite interesting, to put it like that, because they taught me something important. I saw you as my friend and I swear to God that I still do.
They helped me grow more than the others. They made me a young adult. They made me a man. A man that switched from being emotionally unstable to being quite sure of what he wants to achieve in life. I drank a bit too much and for the first time in years I did not do it for a reason. The one that does not hold back from doing the things he considers worth fighting for. A man who has lost his house as a trade off for finding the true meaning of the word "home". One without a grandfather that sucked in like a sponge the wisdom from their experiences. I found myself. I revived from this unconscious motionless fall that I trapped myself in. I faced depression and I conquered it holding my head up high. I survived when I did not want to live. I drank when I swore I could not take it anymore. I smoked until I could not feel my lungs because I enjoyed the adrenaline rush it gave me. I had sex in order to feel something. I did it because I did not want it to be special in anyway. Things changed in me. And it was not. In that particular moment there was nothing special about it. I was so numb because of the amount of fake happiness that I poured into my body that I did not feel that much. I did it because I considered that nothing is going to come out of it and it did not. I had sex. The problem does not lie in the fact that I did something in the past anymore and for whatever reason I do not really care that much for the future when it comes to the love part of it all. We touched hands. I think that at this point in my life I am being confused by what real problems really mean, and that comes from a man-to-be that has faced a lot. We kissed and we started to undress one another. I'm confusing the labels in my head with other labels, mistaking friends for relationships and parents for simple friends. I have always had my thoughts in order for I have always liked to think that I'm a bright kind of a guy. I'm growing feelings inside for somebody that will never do the same. I'm confused. I'm falling for one of my closest friends. I owe to myself not to repeat the same mistakes again let alone with the same people for that would be something only a teenager would do. I am not going to stop my feelings towards you this time. I love my friends and I know for a fact that they love me back. I love you for you are one of my closest friends. I can't go back to a confused state of mind in which I'm not sure of what I want to do with my life. We had sex. I will let my experiences just be that and move on in order to gain even more. I felt something then and I tried to run away from it. I need to focus on what's real and what will have a chance of happening in my life! We had sex. We had sex and it did not MEAN anything! Then... I need to stop feeling things that I should not feel for people. Now... I need to stop and realize that what is going on right now is not helping me at all. We had sex and it MEANS everything.