Melancolia de la miezul noptii...

Imi batea inima in disperare parca undeva in interiorul gatului si ochii incepura sa mi se umezeasca. Eram asemeni unui ceas care in nefiinta sa avea un singur rol, acela de a arata omului incult timpul, dar caruia incerca parca o forta ca a lui Zeus sa ii scoata bateria. Ma simteam secat de orice putere si ma presa gandul ca eram defect intr-un mod sau altul, ca doar, ce om pierde atatia oameni din jurul lui intr-un timp atat de scurt? Trebuia sa fi fost ceva mai mult la mijloc. Ma luase dorul dar nu aratam la nimeni ca ma doare. Eram un pahar perfect confectionat dar care prin oglindirea lui in apa se remarcau miile de cioburi ce zburdau parca pretutindeni. Eram distrus dar nu aratam asta. Eram spart de timpul care fara de baterie parca nu mai avea sens. Imi era dor de ei toti si ma ucidea faptul ca nu-i voi mai avea vreodata.

"Mi-a fost dor de tine si mi-ai lipsit..."

"Ursi polari, zebre, gazele cu adrenalina in sange vanate de tigrii culturisti, unicornii pe care eu ii vad negri, gri sunt doar caii virgini ce le-au crescut un penisache in frunte si sunt dubios de colorati, somnorosii ursi koala si multe alte animale preferate."


"Alb de lapte, alb, alb albastru, alb de zapada, alb de zinc, verde masliniu, verde opalin, verde menta, verde absint, verde indigo, gri, gri perla, aramiu, saten, blond, roscat, caramiziu, chihlimbar, bleu marin, azuriu, abanos, galben... sunt doar cateva culori preferate... trebuie sa vezi cum ursul panda a ramas singurul ( alaturi de alte cateva specii) cu schita necolorata de Dumnezeu..."


One day baby we'll be old.


"mi e dor de tine mereu.."

A never ending circle of pain...

Once someone gets hurt they become damaged, and once they are damaged they become colder and colder by evey minute that passes by. Once changed, he can never come back to what he was. He is cursed with the feeling that he will never open up to someone again and by that he will himself damage another. What an unbreakable chain we have here huh?

Going backwards.

        T.S. Eliot once said: “What we call the beginning is often the end.  And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”

       So let’s start from the ending. It’s my last day on this wonderful world and I can honestly say I will finish my let’s call it journey in peace. I am fulfilled. I have had the opportunity of having opportunities, the chance of taking chances and I risked spending my entire life risking. Indeed, I am that old rusty man standing on the porch waiting for his last minutes to vanish, enjoying all the things normal people forget about, as the sun, the cold pouring rain in the middle of the hot summer, like the smell of grass and not to forget about the trips to memory lane. Yes, these are the most important. Once I’m gone, my memories are gone along with me and the only thing remaining on this great land will be my memory in the eyes of the others.  My life goes by in the blink of an eye.

       Oh I can’t imagine a harder period of my life than this. Being an adult is so complicated. My children are driving me crazy and I honestly cannot stand my father in law, he can be so annoying. Why in the world have I agreed with the love of my life to get among us this horrifying creature?  He seems so angry all the time. I wonder if ever I will face harder times than this. It’s outrageous! I am not stressed, I am beyond stressed, I am overwhelmed.  I don’t feel appreciated at all. I can’t wait to be older to get some peace and quiet of my own. If only I knew what life brings me in the future, that would be great! Obviously I have to go, Ben is hungry again. “Be right there to help you, darling!” Oh God what have I done wrong that you punish me this hard?

       I don’t understand them at all, they are too strict. Don’t they ever have fun? Why is my dad always so bumped up or my mother so worried all the time? I am young; I need to be wild and free. Who needs school? Who needs them? I can do very well on my own. I want to see the whole world and have an adventure of my own as I’ve seen in those cool Tom Cruise movies. Will they ever understand that I will do as I please? I am much more mature then they are. They know nothing! Why can’t they just leave me alone? Now I am grounded for throwing a party they did not know about.  Have they forgotten how it’s like to be young? Of course they have, they still listen to songs like “singing in the rain” and “don’t stop believing”. They are pathetic. I will get out of this house through the window as I always do. See you in the morning grannies. I’m out!

       So I woke up here, in a place I do not know, in the middle of nowhere. I found myself near people I do not find familiar that just whisper to my ear these weird words that oddly make me stop this continuous scream filled with confusion and feelings of insecurity. I believe this woman is my mother and he, the one standing there as he was made out of concrete might be my beloved father. Who knows?  Maybe this is a new beginning.

The revelation of a drunk man

      

     Pardon me for being a little dizzy but I have been trying to stop being sad by drinking. I must tell you something really important before I go to sleep or probably black out so please listen carefully.  So I took a couple of drinks with some friends of mine some hours back and they started this weird conversation about some man called Malcom X that once said: “A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything”.

     I have been thinking about this sentence and I honestly, tried to interpret its meaning in a positive way but the truth of the matter is I actually cannot. The thing is, as much as you’d revolve around this idea you can understand its basic meaning which would be the one that a man, a human being that does not believe in anything and does not have faith in anything will be falling for everything. Yet again, you could debate on this idea saying that it could mean a simple balance between two things, a mistake (not standing for anything) and a consequence (not being able to avoid falling for anything).

    I believe this sentence highlights the main goal a man should be aiming for, the one about having to trust someone, not being alone and actually do the exact opposite that the quote says because if you get to think about it, there is no man in the entire world that has never stood up for anything in his life! You can never be that one man that falls for anything for God has left you with your own judgment in order to avoid situations alike.  So tell me now, what would do a man that stood for anything and fell for nothing at all? Would that be a better alternative?  Wouldn’t that make him cold hearted and unreachable? Wouldn’t that be awful?

    So be that man that stands for something! Stand for the things you desire most because it’s worth it. Be like this and you will certainly not be falling for anything.

Cheers!!!

The art of war

                  I should start this discussion by saying that lately I have been thinking about something that just can’t be avoided. It might seem random but the thought that has been consuming me is the one about war. It takes many shapes and each of them has a different influence among people. The one I am most concerned of, and the one I will start debating on, is about the war between bodies, or in other words, if you can call it so, an ordinary war.

           The first thing that went through my mind is obviously a let’s say painting. I will start from the beginning. Imagine a white piece of paper and yourself, starting to create a landscape with a brush that can not only make your work of art realistic, but can also bring it to life. So choose your colors and choose them wisely! You know what they say; one wrong move and the whole thing can turn out into a complete disaster. So paint your lands and paint the strongest warriors you have in your mind, but don’t forget, it doesn’t matter how many you make, you need to keep on going. Got it so far?

       I am not sure that I completely follow.

       Neither do I, so keep on going!

      As I was saying, this need of repeatedly and non-stop duty will sooner or later exhaust me, thing I should stop from happening. But here comes the big question: “How?” How in the world can you keep your chin up when your colors are almost over and the only one remaining is the one that must not be used?

       Which is?

       Red!

      Red is the color that symbolizes the tragedy, the blood.  The war has begun!  Pain, sorrow? Yes, it’s everywhere. Everywhere I look I can see people suffering, my lands shivering and my people, oh my people are soon to be gone. The ones that used to keep their shields up are now crying for help; they are terrified, they are fading from my painting as I, with my own free will chose to erase them.

       So you mean…?

         Yes! That’s exactly what I mean! Once used red you can never go back. Tell me now, isn’t this the worst and most awful painting you would ever see?

        Truth be told, it wouldn’t. You see… I have been thinking about war these days as well. But not about the one you mentioned earlier but about one much deeper, let’s say a more spiritual one, the one between souls, or in other words, another war.

         So you can give this painting another meaning? Is that what you want to say?

        I believe I do, and I believe I can not only give it another meaning but also change your whole point of view when it comes to what’s truly an awful painting.

      If you don’t mind I will grab a piece of paper myself and start throwing colors all around it, not giving it a certain meaning. No landscapes, not trying to make it look realistic because this painting will bring itself to life. So I chose my colors and I chose them wisely.

       But…

       I know what they say!  So I’ll paint randomly the strongest feelings, not warriors, I have in my soul but no matter how hard I’ll try I will never be able to make something easily understood.

      All of us have at least once been through the battle of our soul against another. It’s that moment when you do not use your body but you follow your instincts, you do what you desire or what you are forced to do. Imagine that from my combination of colors you see with the eyes of your soul, love, and you can only use your sealed lips that can reach out to another pair alike, and can only hear with your deaf ears the silence while the screaming ache brings you pain.

       That still doesn’t mean that this soul to soul battle outmatches the ordinary war. In fact…

       Just wait and listen carefully! Imagine yourself being handcuffed and tied up not being able to say, hear, or see anything, but yet again you feel the urge of saying things, hearing things, and seeing things.  What happens then? You would pick the ordinary war which you’ve just spoken about, because you could use your strength, your judgment and the help of the others. Remember! The biggest difference between these two wars is the fact that you get help, I don’t! It’s one soul against another, and that; that brings a lot of pain!

       I believe you are right!

       Unfortunately, I don’t!

       Why don’t you agree?

       My turn to represent my vision on a piece of paper!  So wipe the paintings and let’s reset!  Have you ever wondered that it might be a third type of war? I’m going to turn your world upside down. Indeed there is another type, a combination between the ones you’ve both talked about, the one between bodies and souls or in other words, the last war.  No landscapes, no brushes, not anything at all. Just a wise choice of colors which combines two opposite, but yet again, two things that can’t be one without the other.  So I’ll let you paint this one for me with the bounding between your tough battles!  We all know that the body united with the soul makes one unique human being, but when one is not in complete harmony with the other…

       Then what?!

       Then, the body is the prison for the soul, and if the soul is imprisoned in the body then it blocks its evolution leading to a horrifying result! The dualism between the body and the soul is clearly evident, and due to this fact, the body is the subservient and the soul is in charge. However it is just that the soul is the master while the body is the obedient servant. 

     Enlighten me for a moment! I do want to understand it’s just…

      Don’t worry! It’s not as complicated as it seems. Hand me the brush and follow my lead with your imagination! The soul inspires what we should do, like the driver who decides where he wants to go. Oh, one more thing, here comes a new element, the mind or so that you can continue imaginating, the leader of the body. It takes the inspiration and finds a way to achieve the soul’s goal like a steering wheel.  The body performs what has to be done, like the car which takes the driver to his desired destination.  If the soul knows what do to in our interest and the body just obeys to commands, then it is pretty clear that most of the problems we meet in our lives can find their happy ending.

       So, if it is such a good balance between these two how can you say there is a war between them?  You’ve lost me as well…

       Look! The human being it’s a miraculous fusion of three polar opposites, the soul, the body and the mind, living in contradiction. But let me ask you something, what if the mind does misinterpret the souls directions, what if it doesn’t find the right way to reach the destination, the light at the end of the tunnel, the balance,  or in other words,  what would  the unskilled human do if he can’t drive the car?

       But that would mean…

     Yes, it means he will end up losing his way. One last thing, remember, the soul says what, the mind finds how and the body does it! So let’s combine the paintings as we agreed on. What do we see?

     The first shows the pure blood thirst, the ability of a group of individuals training for a huge battle, the supreme sacrifice, and the total involvement into a cause which has its result reaching out for the greater good …

       And the second?

       The second shows that in this kind of war there are involved feelings, disappointments, achievements and the incapability of using anything but your own soul as a weapon but not being able to have the body as a shield.

       What about the third?

      The third shows that in order to avoid a war, a human being will need to be at a full concentration rate so that he will not bring him or others the catastrophic outcome.

       So which one of these do you think is considered the worst war of them all?

Teenage dream.

I should start by saying that I did stay and stare at the title for a couple of hours so far because I did not know how to start this essay. I believe that this just one word contains so many things that cannot be simply written. It would not be enough or at least that’s what I believe.

          Starting with the definition of this word we see that the adolescence is the stage of youth, or maturity. If you think about it this definition does not even cover a tiny part of this entire period of life, actually, it is not even close.  Adolescence is the part of one’s life that he or she will never forget due to the fact that it plays an important role in the formation and evolution of all people. It is considered a bridge that leads you from your way of being a child to a grown up responsible person. I do find the fact that parents think they really know their children while going through adolescence honestly hilarious because it’s the most unpredictable and mysteries moment of someone’s life. What they know, in most cases, is their child’s external behavior, the one he wants his parent to see. However, if a child crosses the lines their parents drew for them then automatically he is labeled as being the absurd and out of control one. 

       The thing I never understood was why did elder people believe that the adolescent himself cannot have his own ideas or opinions, face his own problems ( for having problems at such an early age is unacceptable and out of discussion) or try to let’s say emancipate himself from his parents by trying to become a responsible person in life. Don’t they remember how it’s like being a teenager? How mean people are or how hard the times are? How down you feel and disappointed by others or how fast you change your personal mood from one to another? I for one find that hard to believe. I do because I can’t imagine myself being an adult and not remembering all the fun and the bad times I’ve had throughout my adolescence.

          I may continue this idea by saying that these days; teenagers are faced with serious issues that may lead them to do unimaginable things. Let’s not forget dear adults that this is the age where children discover alcohol, some discover drugs, some start their love life and so on. Note for the ones living in the past, times have changed; people have changed, deal with it. It is the time that you must know from one of them, the rebellious, that having to do what you did at an earlier age does not make us nor stupid nor unable to make the right choices but it makes us a let’s say leveled up species. Teenagers these days already have the capacity of judging and dealing with adult issues maybe by the fact that they have more free will then the ones back then.

         Cutting to the chase, being an adolescent has its ups and downs. I don’t believe I’ve made this period of every people’s life any clearer but there’s just one thing you should remember, when you’re finished taking the road trip to the bridge never forget to get a trip back to the memory lane every once in a while. You can be the difference all the kids want to see in their parents. 

Signed,

Forever young.

The one that can’t be moved

       Oh, another day has come and I, I feel again as lonely and as misunderstood as I felt yesterday. Oh if I could just walk by myself for only once in my life, Lord, wouldn’t that be great and if only by miracles’ touch I could talk and fill myself with laughter would it make me happier. I can’t sing as others or join people when they are dancing.

       Oh, I still remember how the group of people that are now adults were shaking their bodies and smiled to the all mighty sun while being kids. Oh, but that was such a long time ago, when I was strong and envied by my other friends because oh, was I feared by all the others. And now, now I feel as sad as I can be and oh, if only I had human eyes to shed a tear and help the ground that has kept me still for such a long time I would and oh, if I had a mouth I would scream from the top of my longs and oh, how much I’d want skin so that I could feel pain and chills every time something would amaze me. But in the end, I am just a humble stone and oh, do I desire a heart, that magical let’s say object that has a certain time when it actually bursts into millions of beats and oh, how I’d want to feel like I’m in love but…

      Oh another day has come and I, I feel again as lonely and as misunderstood as I felt yesterday. So as I stay and stare at the burning sun that waits for the moon to take its place, please tell me, you the one that cannot hear the silence and look me in the eyes, would you trade your life for mine at least until tomorrow will become the new yesterday?

Can’t expect the unexpected

    Lisa Shue once said: “I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me." I wonder if I can 100% relate… I do! Or maybe…
    I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger.
    What did I expect? I expected I would be successful by the time I would have made it to high school. According to the ways we define success in our culture, basically, I would have had more of an easy and luxurious life waiting for me to embrace it, at least a house, actually several, in a few exotic locations, probably a lot of money, a wonderful relationship full of romance and childish yet mature enough acts that would never tear me and my amazing soul mate apart. My life expectations from the outside view would have fit all the cultural categories of a successful self-made soon to become man. I would have been famous, happy and wealthy.

     I used to believe that life will bring me only joy.  By the time I would have gotten old enough not to be able to move myself in the opposite direction the world usually revolves itself, giving up on fighting for something and let myself slide alongside with the Earth, I would have had all the things I desired.  Unfortunately, I was as wrong as I could have possibly been.

    Life does not give you anything for free or as Mark Twain says it, “Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Many believe that making expectations will help them achieve their whishes because they need something to attach to, they need to have some faith in their own power of will but yet again, honestly being said, humans greed will never let him be happy or satisfied with what he has. It’s never good enough.

    Now, I can say that I do not have so many expectations from life for it is never known what will come, what obstacles we will need to face, what opportunities we will decline and so on. So yes! I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger and now… I will go with the idea that I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me or maybe…

Conceptii.Interpretari

                                       De ce faci asta?

                                                                             Fiindca vreau sa va doara!

       Ce a declansat asta?

                                                   Voi!

         Cum asa?

                                 Simplu!

                                                         De ce fix noi?

         Tu!

                       Eu?

                                                                                                          Sigur!

                  Interpretezi...

                      
 Nu, e adevarat ceea ce spun eu!

           
                      Dar lasa-ma macar sa...

                                                         
            Nu!

           
                          Atunci incearca macar sa intelegi ca...

         Nu!

                                            Opreste-te!

               M-am oprit...

                                                           Lasa-ma sa iti explic!

     Ascult.

                                  Vezi?

                                                   Inteleg.

         Minti!

                       Interpretezi...

                                                                   Opreste-te!

      Din?

                               Termina!

           Ce?

                      Ajunge!

                                                      Unde?

        Aici!

                             Ce aici?

                  Asta!

                                                           Care asta?

                                                                                                     Totul.

                             Ce conceptie...

     Pripita?

                                                                                                                                     Jalnica!

                                                                                   Fals!

                                Cum?

           Complex!

                                                     Din contra!

                                                                                                              Facil?

                                  Neg!

                                                                                Fiindca iti e frica!

                                                  De cine?

      De ce!

                            Ce?

                                                                                             Conceptii.

           Ale?

                                                     Tale!

                          Sau?

                                                                            Mele!

                                           Interpretezi...

                                                                                                                      Opreste-te!

                                                                    Nu am inceput nimic...

          Inca!

                                 In fine, ajunge!

                                                                                     Cine?

            Asta!

                                                        Unde?

                           Stop!

                                                                                 Start!

                                                                                                                    M-am saturat...

                      Scuze!

                                                       Pentru?

                                                                                                   Tot!

                                 Haide...

Unde?

                                                                                                                          Spre nicaieri....

Safe and sound...

       Pot spune ca atunci cand mi-ai spus ca ai plans m-ai facut sa ma intreb daca eu am fost cauza. Poate pentru un moment cat de mic mi-am dorit chestia asta, sa stiu ca asta e modul tau mai antipatic de a spune ca iti pasa dar poate ca a fost doar o alta interpretare. Stii doar, am discutat si pe tema asta. Ai plans. Ai facut doi ochi de un albastru imaculat sa se piarda intr-o mare de tristete, de melancolie. Motivul nu ti-l cunosc nici pana in momentul de fata insa stiu ca atunci cand vei avea curajul necesar sau incredere imi vei spune.

       Pot spune ca mereu cand imi repeti ca eu sunt diferit, ca nu te comporti cu restul asa cum te comporti cu mine ma faci sa zambesc prostesc fara sa ma mai pot controla. Sunt fericit dar confuz. Nici prietenii nu ma mai inteleg si asta pentru ca usor usor ma pierd. Ma detasez de toti si toate si raman doar, stii cum se spune, "me and myself", ca sa pot intelege de ce aceasta eroare brusca dintre minte si inima de la o vreme.
      Pot spune ca nu imi place ca vine primavara si deja mi-e groaza de cuvantul acela foarte important pentru mine, vara. Raman blocat la ideea ca o sa fim prieteni pe durata unui simplu anotimp fiindca nu vreau asta.
      Pot spune ca te-ai dus sa te culci fiindca era modul tau de a te exterioriza, acela fiind prin vise. Te-ai facut "mica sub plapuma" si probabil acum te visezi zburand sau razand, traind o viata mult mai frumoasa decat cea de acum. Nu mi te pot imagina decat cu un zambet pal si cu ochii stinsi, izolati de lumina pe care o radiaza.
      Pot spune multe, pot continua la nesfarsit insa nu are rost, nu acum."La revedere!" acum in noapte si "Buna dimineata!" intr-un nou vis. Acelasi lucru atat de cotidian si obisnuit  insa pentru prima oara amandoi intr-o metamorfoza de idei ascunse prin subconstient.

                                   ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc ~

This is where my heart takes over...

      "Inchide ochii...
       
      Voi incepe prin a spune ca in ultima vreme nu reusesc sa-mi mai pun sentimentele in cutia veche ascunsa bine din suflet si incep sa scap, sa dau afara anumite lucruri pe care nu sunt sincer pregatit sa le infrunt. Mi-e dor de zilele in care nimic nu conta, in care tot ceea ce simteai putea fi spus foarte usor fara sa fi mustrat sau sa intampini  regrete la tot pasul. Probabil ca odata cu varsta am ajuns sa complic in capul meu tot ceea ce gandesc. Am ajuns sa cred ca nimic nu este simplu si ca totul are o explicatie, iar explicatia pe care o caut cere mai mult decat trei lovituri din glezne si o dorinta aruncata spre cer ca sa poata fi deslusita.
   
     ...Imagineaza-ti o cutie, deschide-o, pune in ea toate gandurile, grijile, prietenii, familia si acum inchide-o!...     

     Voi continua prin a-mi marturisi ca imi este frica. Mereu mi-a fost frica sa nu fiu judecat, tras la raspundere chiar si pentru faptele mele fiindca stiu ca nimeni, aproape nimeni nu ma intelege.Am sentimentul ala constant de nesiguranta fiindca stiu ca nici macar eu nu ma consider capabil de a ma cunoaste 100%.
   
    ...Leag-o cu niste lanturi groase si apoi fa-o sa dispara...

      Va trebui sa spun multumesc! Multumesc Sa. pentru ca in ciuda faptului ca ne certam mereu, ca ne contrazicem pe orice tema cat de prosteasca, nu-ti e frica sa-mi spui ca ma iubesti, ba chiar sa te mandresti cu fratele tau. Poate ca acum nu realizezi asta, insa nu imi doream nimic mai mult decat sa ma accepti asa cum sunt. Te iubesc si cred ca e printre putinele lucruri pe care nu mi-e frica sa le spun fiindca stiu ca e un lucru cu care si eu la randul meu TREBUIE sa ma mandresc! Multumesc B. pentru seara asta (25/02/2012), a fost momentul in care am simtit ca pot sa am incredere si mai mare in tine desi puteam jura ca nu am cum mai mult de atat. A fost momentul in care mi-ai spus ca indiferent ce s-ar intampla tu o sa ma iubesti si nu o sa se schimbe niciodata asta, lucru pe care, fie ca eram ametit, fie ca nu, stiam de atunci ca nu am cum sa-l uit vreodata.
   
       ...Concentreaza-te bine si las-o sa pluteasca spre nicaieri...

       De la o vreme simt nevoia sa vorbesc cu tot felul de persoane straine, interesante pe care nu le cunosc si nu-mi pot explica de ce fac asta. De ce incerc sa gasesc prieteni noi cand stiu ca acest cuvant "prieten" este asa un cliseu, o hiperbola aplicata de la om la om ca sa poata ascunde sentimentul de singuratate. Simt nevoia sa caut persoane interesante si sa ma bag si eu la mijloc fara sa-mi pese ca apar intr-un moment potrivit sau nu. Intr-un fel vreau dar totodata nu vreau asta. Nu vreau sa stau sa spun oricui toata viata mea in 5 minute ca sa poata sa profite, sa aiba un avantaj. Presupun ca vreau decat sa aflu povestile tuturor. Vreau timp sa gandesc si sa ascult povesti interesante.

        ...iar cand esti pregatit o sa o vezi din nou... fii sigur ca poti sa o inchizi la loc.

      Acompaniat de acest sentiment urmeaza si scuzele de rigoare. Am sa spun pe scurt fiindca mai mult de atat nu meriti momentan pentru indiferenta de care dai dovada Rz. Sa spun ca nu inteleg unde am gresit ar fi o minciuna. Am calcat stramb in momentul in care am inceput eu sa te caut. Ai inceput sa primesti din nou atentie lucru care, asa cum ti-am mai spus, te strica foarte rau. Imi pare rau ca nu a mers ceva ce pornise foarte frumos. Imi pare rau ca nu mai am rabdare sa continui cu tine.

 
     ...Inspira adanc iar apoi expira usor...

      Am sa inchid aceasta cutie cu tine fiindca tu esti persoana care a reusit sa faca o gaura. Definitia de "copil" pe care ti-ai insusit-o nu prea pare sa te caracterizeze si la mentalitate. Nu stiu ce sa-ti spun, nu stiu daca vreau sa te vad, nu sunt inca sigur insa stiu ca as vrea sa te cunosc mai bine. Tu esti persoana la care am impresia ca am aparut intr-un moment foarte nepotrivit. Simt un foc care ma consuma. Simt cum aerul nu mai e suficient si nici macar prietenii sau o tigara nu ma pot linisti cand vine vorba de tine. Imi fuge gandul spre lucruri ciudate, spre lucruri noi si nu cred ca vreau chestia asta.

     ...Acum, deschide ochii!"

Curiozitatea a omorat pisica...

          “Asa ca am decis ca mintea sa-mi fie intunecata, judecata aruncand-o intr-o cutie de fier si am ales sa ma las pe mana lor. Am tras primul fum.”
Totul incepe atunci cand o persoana, un prieten fals iti face cunostinta cu un altul, la fel de fals ca si primul insa care iti poate influenta viata in moduri exagerate. Se incepe cu o dorinta, probabil aceea de a iesi in evidenta sau poate una de a te putea integra intr-un grup ceva mai usor, crezand ca nu vei fi acceptat asa cum esti. Posibil o indrumare gresita a unui strain ce constient dar nevrand sa spuna iti va acapara intreaga viata cu o umbra de tristete, o evolutie inimaginabila a creativitatii intr-un mod tragic si o senzatie iluzorie, un sentiment constant de depresie si singuratate. Incepi sa crezi ca tot ceea ce faci este bine, este un mod facil de a te relaxa in orice situatie dar ca orice lucru care provoaca dependenta, ajunge sa fie un “start” concis pentru un involuntar “adio”.
      Treci de primul, al doilea, al treilea fum si iti doresti sa retraiesti acea experienta deoarece o consideri unica, speciala. Desi prietenii adevarati intervin si incearca sa iti arate o cale dreapta, refuzi sa crezi in existenta unei solutii si mergi cu pasi rapizi spre un drum fara de intoarcere. In drumul acesta dur spre cunoastere apare un nou obstacol, “dezamagirea”, mai ales in fata persoanelor cele mai importante din viata oricarui om, parintii. Treci peste cuvantul lor dand dovada de lipsa de bun-simt, respectul fiind cel pentru care acestia au muncit ani intregi si lasi sa rasara acel sambure ce l-ai plantat la inceputul drumului, rebeliunea. Situatia incepe sa scape de sub control, incepi sa incalci orice regula, sa comiti lucruri de care nu te credeai in stare pentru a face rost de acea suma de bani bine intiparita pe creier doar ca sa mai poti savura acel moment trist, acea speranta fada pentru un timp atat de scurt incat nu iti va satisface nevoile atat cat iti calculezi tu ca e posibil.
      Insotit de acest defect, apare in viata ta un cuvant, sa-i spunem un neologism pentru o fire firava si cuminte, minciuna. O data inflitrat acest nou cuvant in mentalitate si in vocabular incep sa apara probleme si mai mari. Ajungi la marginea unei prapastii, trezindu-te singur. Singur. Fara noi perspective, fara un orizont clar, fara trecutul de care iti este atat de dor acum si pe care il vezi la mii de kilometri distanta.
Te trezesti la stadiul in care nimic nu se mai poate rezolva si te gandesti ca poate nu ar fi trebuit sa accepti de la bun inceput influenta acestor persoane dependente de placeri nocive. Incerci sa iti cauti prietenii adevarati, un umar sa te regasesti, dar solidaritatea nu vine.
      Acasa, familia indurerata asteapta sa renunti la ceea ce ai devenit si sa redevii ceea ce erai pentru ei la inceput, un om cu vise si planuri de viitor. Constientizezi ca toate deciziile pe care le-ai luat au fost gresite, negandite si incepi sa tipi dupa ajutor. Incepi sa-ti imaginezi cum ar fi continuat viata ta fara acel prim fum si te trantesti in genunchi implorand inca o sansa. Atunci realizezi ca viata ti-a oferit prea multe sanse si nu ai stiut cum sa profiti de ele. Un ultim gand iti trece prin minte.

     Gandul acela ca pe parcursul a trei fumuri ai decis ca mintea sa-ti fie intunecata, judecata aruncata intr-o cutie de fier si ai ales sa te lasi pe mana lor. In final realizezi ca tu esti cel al carui sfarsit se apropie asemeni unei tigari consumate pana la filtru. Astepti ca focul sa arda ce a mai ramas, cand printr-o o judecata limpede ai fi putut spune “Nu drogurilor”.