Forget about the Fear of Failure (FFF)

          Ayn Rand once said, “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to achievement of your values.”  I believe that values are important, moral ones that is, for I believe that without them we would not be worthy of calling ourselves human beings. You see, we have been gifted with the capacity of choosing what we want to do and that should, by all means, only make us want to gain as many good qualities as possible. 

         There are times in our life when we feel insecure, when we tend to doubt ourselves and truthfully believe that we are not worth as much as people give us credit for. We lose our faith in both what we are capable of doing and in what we could do. Sadly, if not all of us then most go through that phase at least once in our lifetime, but it only feels like a burden because we let it be that way. In the end it only pushes us up to the point when, without realizing, we’ve gathered even more moral values, mastered things we never thought we could or simply find ourselves in the position of being that I-never-imagined-I-could-do-this type of person.  As shocking as it may seem, we all are good at something. 

         Once, a friend of mine was wondering what he was good at and he wanted my opinion. Avoiding giving him an absolute cliché as an answer, I became speechless and wanted to avoid the subject as quickly as possible.  The only thing that came to my mind in that moment was that I wanted to tell him something so nice that I would’ve restarted that burning desire of wanting to live in him. Unfortunately I failed. Here’s the tricky part about it. You think of what you’re good at and then you think that you are good at several other things as well. You are patient, loving, and honest and whatever other quality comes to your mind but you don’t own them all, and here’s where the fear of not being good enough takes over.  

        I am for sure not the most suitable person to give advice, because I am still in a constant battle with myself and my inner demons, but there’s one thing I know for sure. A saying that’s been passed throughout generations sounds something like this: A grandmother once told her daughter to tell her child that no matter what her grandchild would do he should never let his children doubt themselves when it came to what they’re capable of. This is the myth of the triple F royal blooded ones (The fierce most fearless family) or maybe just an unique way for me to show off my vast imagination. Unfortunately, it is not only useful, but also contributes to my self-destruction.  

         The truth of the matter is, you can't keep closing your eyes hoping that you'll become invisible and that your doubts will go away. Even if you like it or not, you'll be forced to grow up and you won't be kept on a pedestal forever. I am close to being one hundred percent sure that we all have great moral values even if we don’t realize it at the time being. For what it’s worth, I do plan on conquering this war I’m involved in. If the achievement of my happiness is the only moral purpose of my life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of my moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of my loyalty to achievement of my values, then I believe I have a cause worth fighting for.   

Carpe diem

    George S. Patton once said, "It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." I am just going to start by saying that I do not have any regrets so far, and yet again, saying that would not be entirely true. I always had to struggle with the idea of not having the things I wanted to do done and not caring too much for the things I have done without being fully aware of the consequences. My actions prompted me to engage in the strangest most different things that would only put me in the position of wanting to do even more.
     Truth be told, I don't fear the idea of dying, for I believe that death itself only means another way for us to continue our way of being, so to speak. I highly believe that life should be lived at its fullest. As mentioned before, I don't fear death but I do fear the idea of dying before I have done everything I have ever wanted to do. The confusing part of it all is the fact that I don't have my whole life planned out and for all I know, I haven't figured out who I am either. So to have the audacity to say that my hourglass' sand has run out would only make me want to flip it and start over.
     Thinking of what I would do before my time would finally be at its end only makes me go on trips down memory lane. Isn't that what they say? That right before you die you  have a flashback which revolves around mainly everything you have ever lived that made an impact on your life. I can't help but wonder whether or not I have accomplished enough until this exact moment let alone will I know if I did in my final ones.

      Rain, yes, rain! I would stay in that peaceful outburst of neat raindrops and just let loose, that's if, of course, my health would let it happen. I would probably sing on a big stage in front of thousands of people if I would not be unknown and maybe, just maybe make myself some time to visit all of the worth remembering places. I would swim into a golden sea while staring at a cerulean painting of the sky because looking at the sky itself would be too mainstream for both me and my technology-dependent generation. I would probably redo every single thing I have done not caring about how much money it would take or I would perhaps be too poor to even have that opportunity. 
      Needless to say, I would do everything that I desire but this idea has its imperfections. I'm well aware of what I would do if I were to die right now but that happens only because by the time you have finished reading this sentence, that "right now" part would have already made some room in your past. You see, it's easy to say what you would or would not do but having to know that you are not going to die by the time you have finished reading this so called "essay" of mine really helps out. Imagine having to do one last thing realizing that by the end of it your soul would already have left your body and your body would already have become a corpse. 
      I am not certain of what I would do before I die and to be completely honest I don't even want to think it through. There's something I know for sure, I do want to be remembered after I stop being a part of this world and undoubtedly I would not want to be mourned over. 
      To sum up, I really have no clue of what I would do. Let's just say that as spontaneous as I like to consider myself I'm just going to have a huge surprise and let this thought of mine be for now. If I have come to a conclusion out of this it's the fact that I am pretty sure I wouldn't want for that moment to catch me off-guard while writing this essay. As for my advice to you? Carpe diem! 
   

Breaking boundaries on the count of five...

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time.

“Whenever you look at the sky Galileo, you are not able to see through, but you are able with your mind to break the law of gravity, and simply stare at the universe. What do you see?” I kept on telling myself. “Just remember that almost all the people in this world probably thought of it, but haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had. They did not seek to find, they’ve just wondered and kept on going with their lives.”
I could think no more. I’ve always been unusually open-minded but in a reserved way, and I understood that behind the story it lays something bigger. In consequence, I’m inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of my own ideas that were beyond my comprehension. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was unjustly accused of being a day-dreamer. Most of my confidences were considered by others pure madness — frequently I have lost sleep, preoccupation, or a hostile meal when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in which they express them, are usually plagiaristic. Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget that.
And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I came to the admission that it has a limit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the North last winter I felt that I wanted the world to be in balance and at a sort of moral attention forever and always; I wanted no less than that. Only the high priest, the man who pledges his heart and his soul to the church, was startled of my beliefs. If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life and after-life. This is something that I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. Although have I seen in him beauty, and by that I refer to his mind, I strongly doubt our ideas would ever be able to unite to be on an equal level when it comes to debating them.

So, courage have I got, debate me he will not, for I know my facts are based on reality and he’s are based on false hope.
The discussion took place near his lake house which was narrow and pretty old at first sight, place where he told me I should wait for him in order to exchange opinions. Oddly, he was out of town for quite a long amount of time.
Three days after his arrival, the high priest came back to town. The visit ended, he had me requested to be so good as to come to his house.
"Galileo, the one with outstanding ideas about the universe" he said to me, "how many people have you met that actually agree with you at the present moment?"
"None so far, father."
"That was the number which I counted," replied he quickly.
"The people," pursued the priest, "are very much short-minded these days."
"That is what I observed."
"Their ideas are only based on faith, and it is with difficulty that this thing can be changed in them."
"So it seems to me."
"And then, when there is a drop of hope, the mind is easily deceptive."
"That was what I said to myself, better yet, that is the thought which occurred to me."
"Why would you think otherwise?" said the priest. "One must resign one's self."
This conversation took place in the dining-room on the third floor.
I remained silent for a moment; then I turned abruptly to the priest.
„Father," I said, "why should I not enlighten people?"
He looked at me with a domineering look and after an ironic sigh he answered.
„ I fancy you, Galileo, you are actually a strong believer in your own concepts, little do you know, you will fail badly, for I will never approve on such a delusional theory!”
“Excuse me if I am too forward but I believe it is quite late for your intervention, father. The thing that slips your mind is that I have already begun my research in the theory of a geocentric, or Earth-centered, universe.”
He frowned and he felt the need to sit and fired back at me with his agruments, I let him no time to do so. I helped him sit and went on with my observation even though I knew he abhored it.
„My observations strengthen my belief in Copernicus' theory that Earth and all other planets revolve around the Sun. Most people, take you for example,  believe that the Earth is the center of the universe and that the Sun and planets revolve around it.”
“But still, this is outrageous! I cannot believe that you could think of such an abomination! You need to be stopped one way or another before...”
I spontaneously cut his line and tried to open his eyes to what really happened! I thought to myself, “Can he be so blinded by his beliefs that he cannot understand what I’m trying to explain?”
Soon my questions were answered...
“Please Father; excuse me again if my behaviour was inappropriate. I hope we can pass over this misunderstanding and I’m looking forward to seeing you again after a while, in better terms, of course.”
The priest looked at me and with a trembling voice he whispered.
“Oh, mister Galileo, we shall meet again! You can count on that. God bless you!”

As he finished his words I went straight home without looking back and fascinated by the results of this conversation I was finally convinced and determined to pursue my work and to make my intentions public.
Not long after that I started writing day and night in order to accomplish my goal, my own book based on my theories and observations that I’ve come to make in a sneaky kind of way. I was so proud of my masterpiece due to the fact that I could be able to finally make people see through my eyes, through my perspectives, to understand my point of view. So I’ve forwarded my work and published my papers about my astronomy discoveries and my belief in a heliocentric, or Sun-centered, Universe.
Time kept passing by and I was finally making amends with my mind until one day when I was taken aback by an envelope that contained a subpoena, thing that actually made me have chills running down my spine. I panicked for a second and then I read the letter.

”Dear Mr. Galileo,

We are informing you that your presence is requested in Rome, immediately. Do not waste time packing too much clothing. We assume it won’t be needed.

With respect,

The Catholic Church.”

So many questions crossed my mind without me even being able to finding an answer, but by the time I have arrived, I seemed to have always known, deep down my conscience.
“Welcome Mr. Galileo. We are accusing you of heresy. As a consequence, you are sentenced to death.”
No time was given to me to actually react, so I have went with the idea that this consequence was out of my great results. I knew then that the church did so, because it was aware as well as I was that I was right and the ironic turn of events led to me being free of charge. This temporary freedom as any good thing has its strings attached. I was free of charge, but I was kept in touch with the fact that I should no longer public anything about my heliocentricity.

I knew that once started, there is no turning back. So I kept on going with writing for I was well-aware that people should stay in the dark no longer. Little did I know that my theories were to get me back in jail and this time permanently!
So now, I’m standing here, above the Earth, looking straight at the Universe for my time has passed and the years have gone; for my job is done and my work alive and none the less for I was right. The planets revolve around the lava star and I with Copernicus point at the priest who lived in complete denial. It’s funny though, how you spent your whole life trying to solve a thing you believe in, and someone, somehow, tries, but obviously fails to stop you.
You will one day see how he’s standing on a higher cliff starring at the Universe being completely star struck.

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time. They did not do so. They metamorphosed me into the outstanding spirit that I am now. It’s odd and nowadays, and by that I mean your days, reader, even though it’s a cliché, you need to hold on to your dreams and fight for your own justice. The award - it’s heliocentric! 

BOOM.

Si de atunci, vorba lor a devenit "Ne vedem duminica!", ziua in care se aflau la momentul respectiv fiind irelevanta, ca doar, acest enunt nu era folosit ca un "adio" ci mai repede ca un "nu-mi spune pa ca iti spun buna". Intelegi tu? Vorba asta era folosita pentru a-si oferi unul altuia siguranta ca se vor revedea curand. Maine? Peste un an? Peste o ora? Era spontan! Nu era ceva exact fiindca aceasta propozitie nu era folosita cu sensul denotativ, ea cuprindea multe. Cuprindea atat locul cat si ora, insa nu erau usor de ghicit. Asta te intriga. Te intriga faptul ca desi ei stiau exact fiecare detaliu, ceilalti, ceilalti stiau doar ca se vor vedea duminica.

Ploaie cu soare intr-un labirint...

   Deci cum spuneam draga mea, eu am sa incerc sa iti explic ceea ce simt pe planul meu, te iau in lumea mea fiindca stii tu, eu cu realitatea nu ne prea intelegem asa ca deschide-ti sufletul fiindca am sa iti repet ce ti-am spus intr-un mod normal in modul meu.
    Dupa cum ti-am spus de multe ori iubesc ploaia, si azi a plouat cu soare. Imagineaza-ti ca sentimentele mele pe care nu le pot reda in cuvinte sunt asemeni acestei ploi. Imagineaza-ti ca eu in acea ploaie cu soare mi-as deschide o umbrela, fiindca asa cum ai spus si tu, trebuie sa ma izolez de acele sentimente ca sa pot trece mai departe, insa daca fac asta, pentru mine ploaia asta nu ar mai insemna nimic, mi-as deschide umbrela si nu as permite nici macar unei picaturi sa ma ude. As trece prin ea ca si cum ea nu ar conta si asta ar face ca pentru mine ploaia in sine sa isi piarda tot farmecul, as ramane rece, as trece indiferent prin ea fara sa mai simt nimic. Stii ca ti-am mai spus, eu imi traiesc viata la o intesitate mult mai mare fata de restul fiindca pe plan...
    Spiritual?
     Da! Pe plan spiritual ma simt mult mai evoluat fata de ceilalti din jurul meu, insa sa nu ne abatem de la subiect.
     Te rog continua-ti ideea.
      Cum spuneam mai devreme, daca as deschide acea umbrela as simti cum niciodata nu as mai putea sa ma bucur de o ploaie cu soare si pentru mine nu ar fi o solutie. In acelasi timp, daca as continua sa merg prin ea mereu as plange, stii cum se spune, poti plange cand ploua fiindca nu observa nimeni, insa nu as putea sa rezist facand acest lucru fara ca intr-o zi, lacrimile mele sa nu se opreasca. Nu stiu ce sa fac, ce drum sa aleg, par sa fiu prins in aceasta situatie. Orice as face voi trece peste si nu sunt pregatit sa fac asta, nu acum, nu prea curand.
      Dragul meu, voi incerca sa iti raspund la aceasta nedumerire intrand in planul tau fiindca altfel nici eu nu stiu cum ne-am mai putea intelege. Vezi tu, daca alegi sa iti deschizi umbrela tu vei reusi sa treci peste acest val de sentimente care te seaca de orice enegrie, care te macina si care iti face numai rau, insa totodata inteleg ceea ce spui, alegi calea mai complicata, alegi sa tragi de aceste sentimente insa nu inteleg de ce sa faci asta, de ce...
      Sa aleg calea mai grea? Fiindca e calea care-mi garanteaza ca ma pot tine de aceste sentimente cat pot de tare.
      Imagineaza-ti tu acum ca si in cazul meu, desi eu simt totul la o intesitate mai mica, incercarile ma trec ca printr-un labirint. Prefer ca in loc sa ma blochez intr-o infudatura sa continui sa fac un pas inainte spre o portita. Doar esti constient, mereu exista o portita de scapare.
      Spune-mi doar, care este portita mea de scapare? Care ar fi modul prin care eu as putea trece peste fiindca nu pot, nu acum, nu...

      Nu pot sa te las sa iti continui aceasta idee! Nu stii ce se va intampla in viitor. Te cred, nu poti acum insa nu poti sa spui ce se va intampla maine, sau poimaine, sau pe viitor. Nu folosi termenul de "niciodata".
      Si totusi, cum scap din aceasta capcana ca altfel nu ii pot spune, ma simt epuizat, nu mai vreau sa lupt.
      Eu iti spun ceea ce imi spun singura si mie, prefer sa continui sa fac un pas, mic, baby steps, nu te grabeste nimeni, insa acel pas ma va duce spre un nou drum si pana la urmatoarea fundatura eu voi merge pe ideea aia...
      Enjoy the ride?
      Intocmai. In cazul tau, dragule, eu spun sa iti deschizi umbrela pentru a putea sa iti aduni puterile sa poti la urmatoarea ploaie cu soare care va veni sa o inchizi si sa te bucuri, fiindca ploi cu soare vor mai fi multe, de asta sa fii sigur.
     Ne vom invarti mereu in cerc? Nu vom scapa niciodata de aceste labirinturi si ploi cu soare?
     Vom continua sa cautam, sa fim raniti si sa ranim pentru a putea supravietui, fiindca premiul depaseste orice asteptare a noastra si chiar merita munca pana la el.
     Acel premiu fiind?
     Acea ploaie cu soare care intr-un final pe tine te va aduce la portita mea de scapare, iar tu, tu vei reusi sa ma scoti pe mine din acea fundatura si eu, eu voi putea sa imi continui drumul fara a mai da de alte fundaturi. Vom reusi in final sa avem acea explozie de sentimente, acea ploaie cu soare care va zbura orice umbrela intr-un labirint fara de fundaturi.

Melancolia de la miezul noptii...

Imi batea inima in disperare parca undeva in interiorul gatului si ochii incepura sa mi se umezeasca. Eram asemeni unui ceas care in nefiinta sa avea un singur rol, acela de a arata omului incult timpul, dar caruia incerca parca o forta ca a lui Zeus sa ii scoata bateria. Ma simteam secat de orice putere si ma presa gandul ca eram defect intr-un mod sau altul, ca doar, ce om pierde atatia oameni din jurul lui intr-un timp atat de scurt? Trebuia sa fi fost ceva mai mult la mijloc. Ma luase dorul dar nu aratam la nimeni ca ma doare. Eram un pahar perfect confectionat dar care prin oglindirea lui in apa se remarcau miile de cioburi ce zburdau parca pretutindeni. Eram distrus dar nu aratam asta. Eram spart de timpul care fara de baterie parca nu mai avea sens. Imi era dor de ei toti si ma ucidea faptul ca nu-i voi mai avea vreodata.

"Mi-a fost dor de tine si mi-ai lipsit..."

"Ursi polari, zebre, gazele cu adrenalina in sange vanate de tigrii culturisti, unicornii pe care eu ii vad negri, gri sunt doar caii virgini ce le-au crescut un penisache in frunte si sunt dubios de colorati, somnorosii ursi koala si multe alte animale preferate."


"Alb de lapte, alb, alb albastru, alb de zapada, alb de zinc, verde masliniu, verde opalin, verde menta, verde absint, verde indigo, gri, gri perla, aramiu, saten, blond, roscat, caramiziu, chihlimbar, bleu marin, azuriu, abanos, galben... sunt doar cateva culori preferate... trebuie sa vezi cum ursul panda a ramas singurul ( alaturi de alte cateva specii) cu schita necolorata de Dumnezeu..."


One day baby we'll be old.


"mi e dor de tine mereu.."