It feels too far away at times

Have you ever got to a place where you feel as if nothing changes?

I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist with a low reach on social media and an undying desire to be heard. As of now I wrote a concept album and an EP, which I sometimes believe will never be put out there on the market. There are times when I wake up and feel as if singing in my room and trying my best to improve is not enough. I'm not enough. I am at a point in my life where I need to look for a job revolving around my freshly finished higher education in marketing. I need to sustain myself as a grown adult in a world that undermines dreams and roads towards real passion.
I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist with a strong urge to create and a low self-esteem that hides behind his notebooks and creative outbursts. I often find myself in the position of giving everything up at the cost of a single person hearing what I have to say through my songs. Did you ever feel that way? Did you ever feel as if nothing matters more to you than music? Your own music?
I am an artist. I am a self-validated artist that fails to find a good way to place himself out there and start the journey that he always longed for. I am an impatient twenty two year old man that puts art above everything else. I put art above everything else. I put art above everything else but does art do the same in exchange for me?
I am an artist. I am just another nothing that fates reality at its best and understand that good things need time and hard work. But working hard and not being able to see practical changes makes you feel static. And being static has only made my inspiration static. And a static inspiration leads to a static artist. And as static as I am as a person I am dynamic as an artist.
I am an artist. But sometimes, it feels as if I'm only dreaming of being an artist and that's not enough.

This hurts me.

I tried. I really tried to do this the right way. Again. Over and over again.You know what I have been through. Out of all people you should be aware of the pain that I carry around with me everywhere I go. I actually imagined that if I start letting myself feel again it will help. But I can't shake the feeling that I have been taken for a fool. Again. Over and over again. As if I am trapped in a loop of misery that should've never been mine to start with. I never did anything bad to people. The only thing that I ever did was being honest to the dishonest and loving to the hollow. Are we friends? Can we even call ourselves that? I know why you did not want to tell me directly how you felt about this situation. So you could move on in peace imagining whatever reaction you wanted. Me hearing it from somebody else or imagining it and thinking “huh, I’m really gonna miss this one." I tried to care about your feelings more than I ever did before. To keep you on a pedestal and let myself overthink situations at the risk of being drained and empty. Again. Over and over again. I took it because at that peculiar moment in time I believed you would do the same. Risk it or not it was never your own choice to make. It was my choice as well. These were my feelings and you had no right to take anything but responsibility for your actions. If I be wrong than so be it. But too bad. That’s not my reaction. This is. I'm not okay with this decision. I’m not okay with you choosing yourself. Be afraid now. Be afraid of the risk you took when you put yourself above our friendship. And I’m not okay with never seeing you, my best friend, ever again. But it has to happen. In order for us to work I can't see you as my best friend. Friends don't do that to one another. This hurts me. This hurts. Again. Over and over again. And as you move on, as you feel the pain of not seeing any emotion in my eyes again, as the time goes and nothing changes, that's what I want you to remember. That you hurt me. I'm sorry, truly.  You won't get to say goodbye.

I really tried not to.

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote something here. I got dressed pretty casual that night. Maybe I was scared. It was something so spontaneous that I did not want to waste any extra time on little things. Too scared to actually try and face the things that I have been going through lately. A few moments later I found myself locking the door. The past years have been quite interesting, to put it like that, because they taught me something important. I saw you as my friend and I swear to God that I still do.
They helped me grow more than the others. They made me a young adult. They made me a man. A man that switched from being emotionally unstable to being quite sure of what he wants to achieve in life. I drank a bit too much and for the first time in years I did not do it for a reason. The one that does not hold back from doing the things he considers worth fighting for. A man who has lost his house as a trade off for finding the true meaning of the word "home". One without a grandfather that sucked in like a sponge the wisdom from their experiences. I found myself. I revived from this unconscious motionless fall that I trapped myself in. I faced depression and I conquered it holding my head up high. I survived when I did not want to live. I drank when I swore I could not take it anymore. I smoked until I could not feel my lungs because I enjoyed the adrenaline rush it gave me. I had sex in order to feel something. I did it because I did not want it to be special in anyway. Things changed in me. And it was not. In that particular moment there was nothing special about it. I was so numb because of the amount of fake happiness that I poured into my body that I did not feel that much. I did it because I considered that nothing is going to come out of it and it did not. I had sex. The problem does not lie in the fact that I did something in the past anymore and for whatever reason I do not really care that much for the future when it comes to the love part of it all. We touched hands. I think that at this point in my life I am being confused by what real problems really mean, and that comes from a man-to-be that has faced a lot. We kissed and we started to undress one another. I'm confusing the labels in my head with other labels, mistaking friends for relationships and parents for simple friends. I have always had my thoughts in order for I have always liked to think that I'm a bright kind of a guy. I'm growing feelings inside for somebody that will never do the same. I'm confused. I'm falling for one of my closest friends. I owe to myself not to repeat the same mistakes again let alone with the same people for that would be something only a teenager would do. I am not going to stop my feelings towards you this time. I love my friends and I know for a fact that they love me back. I love you for you are one of my closest friends. I can't go back to a confused state of mind in which I'm not sure of what I want to do with my life. We had sex. I will let my experiences just be that and move on in order to gain even more. I felt something then and I tried to run away from it. I need to focus on what's real and what will have a chance of happening in my life! We had sex. We had sex and it did not MEAN anything! Then... I need to stop feeling things that I should not feel for people. Now... I need to stop and realize that what is going on right now is not helping me at all. We had sex and it MEANS everything.

Forget about the Fear of Failure (FFF)

          Ayn Rand once said, “Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to achievement of your values.”  I believe that values are important, moral ones that is, for I believe that without them we would not be worthy of calling ourselves human beings. You see, we have been gifted with the capacity of choosing what we want to do and that should, by all means, only make us want to gain as many good qualities as possible. 

         There are times in our life when we feel insecure, when we tend to doubt ourselves and truthfully believe that we are not worth as much as people give us credit for. We lose our faith in both what we are capable of doing and in what we could do. Sadly, if not all of us then most go through that phase at least once in our lifetime, but it only feels like a burden because we let it be that way. In the end it only pushes us up to the point when, without realizing, we’ve gathered even more moral values, mastered things we never thought we could or simply find ourselves in the position of being that I-never-imagined-I-could-do-this type of person.  As shocking as it may seem, we all are good at something. 

         Once, a friend of mine was wondering what he was good at and he wanted my opinion. Avoiding giving him an absolute cliché as an answer, I became speechless and wanted to avoid the subject as quickly as possible.  The only thing that came to my mind in that moment was that I wanted to tell him something so nice that I would’ve restarted that burning desire of wanting to live in him. Unfortunately I failed. Here’s the tricky part about it. You think of what you’re good at and then you think that you are good at several other things as well. You are patient, loving, and honest and whatever other quality comes to your mind but you don’t own them all, and here’s where the fear of not being good enough takes over.  

        I am for sure not the most suitable person to give advice, because I am still in a constant battle with myself and my inner demons, but there’s one thing I know for sure. A saying that’s been passed throughout generations sounds something like this: A grandmother once told her daughter to tell her child that no matter what her grandchild would do he should never let his children doubt themselves when it came to what they’re capable of. This is the myth of the triple F royal blooded ones (The fierce most fearless family) or maybe just an unique way for me to show off my vast imagination. Unfortunately, it is not only useful, but also contributes to my self-destruction.  

         The truth of the matter is, you can't keep closing your eyes hoping that you'll become invisible and that your doubts will go away. Even if you like it or not, you'll be forced to grow up and you won't be kept on a pedestal forever. I am close to being one hundred percent sure that we all have great moral values even if we don’t realize it at the time being. For what it’s worth, I do plan on conquering this war I’m involved in. If the achievement of my happiness is the only moral purpose of my life, and that happiness not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of my moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of my loyalty to achievement of my values, then I believe I have a cause worth fighting for.   

Carpe diem

    George S. Patton once said, "It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived." I am just going to start by saying that I do not have any regrets so far, and yet again, saying that would not be entirely true. I always had to struggle with the idea of not having the things I wanted to do done and not caring too much for the things I have done without being fully aware of the consequences. My actions prompted me to engage in the strangest most different things that would only put me in the position of wanting to do even more.
     Truth be told, I don't fear the idea of dying, for I believe that death itself only means another way for us to continue our way of being, so to speak. I highly believe that life should be lived at its fullest. As mentioned before, I don't fear death but I do fear the idea of dying before I have done everything I have ever wanted to do. The confusing part of it all is the fact that I don't have my whole life planned out and for all I know, I haven't figured out who I am either. So to have the audacity to say that my hourglass' sand has run out would only make me want to flip it and start over.
     Thinking of what I would do before my time would finally be at its end only makes me go on trips down memory lane. Isn't that what they say? That right before you die you  have a flashback which revolves around mainly everything you have ever lived that made an impact on your life. I can't help but wonder whether or not I have accomplished enough until this exact moment let alone will I know if I did in my final ones.

      Rain, yes, rain! I would stay in that peaceful outburst of neat raindrops and just let loose, that's if, of course, my health would let it happen. I would probably sing on a big stage in front of thousands of people if I would not be unknown and maybe, just maybe make myself some time to visit all of the worth remembering places. I would swim into a golden sea while staring at a cerulean painting of the sky because looking at the sky itself would be too mainstream for both me and my technology-dependent generation. I would probably redo every single thing I have done not caring about how much money it would take or I would perhaps be too poor to even have that opportunity. 
      Needless to say, I would do everything that I desire but this idea has its imperfections. I'm well aware of what I would do if I were to die right now but that happens only because by the time you have finished reading this sentence, that "right now" part would have already made some room in your past. You see, it's easy to say what you would or would not do but having to know that you are not going to die by the time you have finished reading this so called "essay" of mine really helps out. Imagine having to do one last thing realizing that by the end of it your soul would already have left your body and your body would already have become a corpse. 
      I am not certain of what I would do before I die and to be completely honest I don't even want to think it through. There's something I know for sure, I do want to be remembered after I stop being a part of this world and undoubtedly I would not want to be mourned over. 
      To sum up, I really have no clue of what I would do. Let's just say that as spontaneous as I like to consider myself I'm just going to have a huge surprise and let this thought of mine be for now. If I have come to a conclusion out of this it's the fact that I am pretty sure I wouldn't want for that moment to catch me off-guard while writing this essay. As for my advice to you? Carpe diem! 
   

Breaking boundaries on the count of five...

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time.

“Whenever you look at the sky Galileo, you are not able to see through, but you are able with your mind to break the law of gravity, and simply stare at the universe. What do you see?” I kept on telling myself. “Just remember that almost all the people in this world probably thought of it, but haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had. They did not seek to find, they’ve just wondered and kept on going with their lives.”
I could think no more. I’ve always been unusually open-minded but in a reserved way, and I understood that behind the story it lays something bigger. In consequence, I’m inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of my own ideas that were beyond my comprehension. The abnormal mind is quick to detect and attach itself to this quality when it appears in a normal person, and so it came about that in college I was unjustly accused of being a day-dreamer. Most of my confidences were considered by others pure madness — frequently I have lost sleep, preoccupation, or a hostile meal when I realized by some unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon; for the intimate revelations of young men, or at least the terms in which they express them, are usually plagiaristic. Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget that.
And, after boasting this way of my tolerance, I came to the admission that it has a limit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or the wet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t care what it’s founded on. When I came back from the North last winter I felt that I wanted the world to be in balance and at a sort of moral attention forever and always; I wanted no less than that. Only the high priest, the man who pledges his heart and his soul to the church, was startled of my beliefs. If personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures, then there was something gorgeous about him, some heightened sensitivity to the promises of life and after-life. This is something that I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again. Although have I seen in him beauty, and by that I refer to his mind, I strongly doubt our ideas would ever be able to unite to be on an equal level when it comes to debating them.

So, courage have I got, debate me he will not, for I know my facts are based on reality and he’s are based on false hope.
The discussion took place near his lake house which was narrow and pretty old at first sight, place where he told me I should wait for him in order to exchange opinions. Oddly, he was out of town for quite a long amount of time.
Three days after his arrival, the high priest came back to town. The visit ended, he had me requested to be so good as to come to his house.
"Galileo, the one with outstanding ideas about the universe" he said to me, "how many people have you met that actually agree with you at the present moment?"
"None so far, father."
"That was the number which I counted," replied he quickly.
"The people," pursued the priest, "are very much short-minded these days."
"That is what I observed."
"Their ideas are only based on faith, and it is with difficulty that this thing can be changed in them."
"So it seems to me."
"And then, when there is a drop of hope, the mind is easily deceptive."
"That was what I said to myself, better yet, that is the thought which occurred to me."
"Why would you think otherwise?" said the priest. "One must resign one's self."
This conversation took place in the dining-room on the third floor.
I remained silent for a moment; then I turned abruptly to the priest.
„Father," I said, "why should I not enlighten people?"
He looked at me with a domineering look and after an ironic sigh he answered.
„ I fancy you, Galileo, you are actually a strong believer in your own concepts, little do you know, you will fail badly, for I will never approve on such a delusional theory!”
“Excuse me if I am too forward but I believe it is quite late for your intervention, father. The thing that slips your mind is that I have already begun my research in the theory of a geocentric, or Earth-centered, universe.”
He frowned and he felt the need to sit and fired back at me with his agruments, I let him no time to do so. I helped him sit and went on with my observation even though I knew he abhored it.
„My observations strengthen my belief in Copernicus' theory that Earth and all other planets revolve around the Sun. Most people, take you for example,  believe that the Earth is the center of the universe and that the Sun and planets revolve around it.”
“But still, this is outrageous! I cannot believe that you could think of such an abomination! You need to be stopped one way or another before...”
I spontaneously cut his line and tried to open his eyes to what really happened! I thought to myself, “Can he be so blinded by his beliefs that he cannot understand what I’m trying to explain?”
Soon my questions were answered...
“Please Father; excuse me again if my behaviour was inappropriate. I hope we can pass over this misunderstanding and I’m looking forward to seeing you again after a while, in better terms, of course.”
The priest looked at me and with a trembling voice he whispered.
“Oh, mister Galileo, we shall meet again! You can count on that. God bless you!”

As he finished his words I went straight home without looking back and fascinated by the results of this conversation I was finally convinced and determined to pursue my work and to make my intentions public.
Not long after that I started writing day and night in order to accomplish my goal, my own book based on my theories and observations that I’ve come to make in a sneaky kind of way. I was so proud of my masterpiece due to the fact that I could be able to finally make people see through my eyes, through my perspectives, to understand my point of view. So I’ve forwarded my work and published my papers about my astronomy discoveries and my belief in a heliocentric, or Sun-centered, Universe.
Time kept passing by and I was finally making amends with my mind until one day when I was taken aback by an envelope that contained a subpoena, thing that actually made me have chills running down my spine. I panicked for a second and then I read the letter.

”Dear Mr. Galileo,

We are informing you that your presence is requested in Rome, immediately. Do not waste time packing too much clothing. We assume it won’t be needed.

With respect,

The Catholic Church.”

So many questions crossed my mind without me even being able to finding an answer, but by the time I have arrived, I seemed to have always known, deep down my conscience.
“Welcome Mr. Galileo. We are accusing you of heresy. As a consequence, you are sentenced to death.”
No time was given to me to actually react, so I have went with the idea that this consequence was out of my great results. I knew then that the church did so, because it was aware as well as I was that I was right and the ironic turn of events led to me being free of charge. This temporary freedom as any good thing has its strings attached. I was free of charge, but I was kept in touch with the fact that I should no longer public anything about my heliocentricity.

I knew that once started, there is no turning back. So I kept on going with writing for I was well-aware that people should stay in the dark no longer. Little did I know that my theories were to get me back in jail and this time permanently!
So now, I’m standing here, above the Earth, looking straight at the Universe for my time has passed and the years have gone; for my job is done and my work alive and none the less for I was right. The planets revolve around the lava star and I with Copernicus point at the priest who lived in complete denial. It’s funny though, how you spent your whole life trying to solve a thing you believe in, and someone, somehow, tries, but obviously fails to stop you.
You will one day see how he’s standing on a higher cliff starring at the Universe being completely star struck.

In my younger and more vulnerable years I have been thinking about the planets and this big lava star that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. The weird thing is that I repeatedly thought at a few phrases that came to consume me by time. They did not do so. They metamorphosed me into the outstanding spirit that I am now. It’s odd and nowadays, and by that I mean your days, reader, even though it’s a cliché, you need to hold on to your dreams and fight for your own justice. The award - it’s heliocentric! 

BOOM.

Si de atunci, vorba lor a devenit "Ne vedem duminica!", ziua in care se aflau la momentul respectiv fiind irelevanta, ca doar, acest enunt nu era folosit ca un "adio" ci mai repede ca un "nu-mi spune pa ca iti spun buna". Intelegi tu? Vorba asta era folosita pentru a-si oferi unul altuia siguranta ca se vor revedea curand. Maine? Peste un an? Peste o ora? Era spontan! Nu era ceva exact fiindca aceasta propozitie nu era folosita cu sensul denotativ, ea cuprindea multe. Cuprindea atat locul cat si ora, insa nu erau usor de ghicit. Asta te intriga. Te intriga faptul ca desi ei stiau exact fiecare detaliu, ceilalti, ceilalti stiau doar ca se vor vedea duminica.