Can’t expect the unexpected

    Lisa Shue once said: “I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me." I wonder if I can 100% relate… I do! Or maybe…
    I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger.
    What did I expect? I expected I would be successful by the time I would have made it to high school. According to the ways we define success in our culture, basically, I would have had more of an easy and luxurious life waiting for me to embrace it, at least a house, actually several, in a few exotic locations, probably a lot of money, a wonderful relationship full of romance and childish yet mature enough acts that would never tear me and my amazing soul mate apart. My life expectations from the outside view would have fit all the cultural categories of a successful self-made soon to become man. I would have been famous, happy and wealthy.

     I used to believe that life will bring me only joy.  By the time I would have gotten old enough not to be able to move myself in the opposite direction the world usually revolves itself, giving up on fighting for something and let myself slide alongside with the Earth, I would have had all the things I desired.  Unfortunately, I was as wrong as I could have possibly been.

    Life does not give you anything for free or as Mark Twain says it, “Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” Many believe that making expectations will help them achieve their whishes because they need something to attach to, they need to have some faith in their own power of will but yet again, honestly being said, humans greed will never let him be happy or satisfied with what he has. It’s never good enough.

    Now, I can say that I do not have so many expectations from life for it is never known what will come, what obstacles we will need to face, what opportunities we will decline and so on. So yes! I confess. Turning 17 was quite a challenge for me. It was difficult because my life expectations were different when I was younger and now… I will go with the idea that I don’t have high expectations anymore. Maybe they’ve just been beaten out of me or maybe…

Conceptii.Interpretari

                                       De ce faci asta?

                                                                             Fiindca vreau sa va doara!

       Ce a declansat asta?

                                                   Voi!

         Cum asa?

                                 Simplu!

                                                         De ce fix noi?

         Tu!

                       Eu?

                                                                                                          Sigur!

                  Interpretezi...

                      
 Nu, e adevarat ceea ce spun eu!

           
                      Dar lasa-ma macar sa...

                                                         
            Nu!

           
                          Atunci incearca macar sa intelegi ca...

         Nu!

                                            Opreste-te!

               M-am oprit...

                                                           Lasa-ma sa iti explic!

     Ascult.

                                  Vezi?

                                                   Inteleg.

         Minti!

                       Interpretezi...

                                                                   Opreste-te!

      Din?

                               Termina!

           Ce?

                      Ajunge!

                                                      Unde?

        Aici!

                             Ce aici?

                  Asta!

                                                           Care asta?

                                                                                                     Totul.

                             Ce conceptie...

     Pripita?

                                                                                                                                     Jalnica!

                                                                                   Fals!

                                Cum?

           Complex!

                                                     Din contra!

                                                                                                              Facil?

                                  Neg!

                                                                                Fiindca iti e frica!

                                                  De cine?

      De ce!

                            Ce?

                                                                                             Conceptii.

           Ale?

                                                     Tale!

                          Sau?

                                                                            Mele!

                                           Interpretezi...

                                                                                                                      Opreste-te!

                                                                    Nu am inceput nimic...

          Inca!

                                 In fine, ajunge!

                                                                                     Cine?

            Asta!

                                                        Unde?

                           Stop!

                                                                                 Start!

                                                                                                                    M-am saturat...

                      Scuze!

                                                       Pentru?

                                                                                                   Tot!

                                 Haide...

Unde?

                                                                                                                          Spre nicaieri....

Safe and sound...

       Pot spune ca atunci cand mi-ai spus ca ai plans m-ai facut sa ma intreb daca eu am fost cauza. Poate pentru un moment cat de mic mi-am dorit chestia asta, sa stiu ca asta e modul tau mai antipatic de a spune ca iti pasa dar poate ca a fost doar o alta interpretare. Stii doar, am discutat si pe tema asta. Ai plans. Ai facut doi ochi de un albastru imaculat sa se piarda intr-o mare de tristete, de melancolie. Motivul nu ti-l cunosc nici pana in momentul de fata insa stiu ca atunci cand vei avea curajul necesar sau incredere imi vei spune.

       Pot spune ca mereu cand imi repeti ca eu sunt diferit, ca nu te comporti cu restul asa cum te comporti cu mine ma faci sa zambesc prostesc fara sa ma mai pot controla. Sunt fericit dar confuz. Nici prietenii nu ma mai inteleg si asta pentru ca usor usor ma pierd. Ma detasez de toti si toate si raman doar, stii cum se spune, "me and myself", ca sa pot intelege de ce aceasta eroare brusca dintre minte si inima de la o vreme.
      Pot spune ca nu imi place ca vine primavara si deja mi-e groaza de cuvantul acela foarte important pentru mine, vara. Raman blocat la ideea ca o sa fim prieteni pe durata unui simplu anotimp fiindca nu vreau asta.
      Pot spune ca te-ai dus sa te culci fiindca era modul tau de a te exterioriza, acela fiind prin vise. Te-ai facut "mica sub plapuma" si probabil acum te visezi zburand sau razand, traind o viata mult mai frumoasa decat cea de acum. Nu mi te pot imagina decat cu un zambet pal si cu ochii stinsi, izolati de lumina pe care o radiaza.
      Pot spune multe, pot continua la nesfarsit insa nu are rost, nu acum."La revedere!" acum in noapte si "Buna dimineata!" intr-un nou vis. Acelasi lucru atat de cotidian si obisnuit  insa pentru prima oara amandoi intr-o metamorfoza de idei ascunse prin subconstient.

                                   ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzhAS_GnJIc ~

This is where my heart takes over...

      "Inchide ochii...
       
      Voi incepe prin a spune ca in ultima vreme nu reusesc sa-mi mai pun sentimentele in cutia veche ascunsa bine din suflet si incep sa scap, sa dau afara anumite lucruri pe care nu sunt sincer pregatit sa le infrunt. Mi-e dor de zilele in care nimic nu conta, in care tot ceea ce simteai putea fi spus foarte usor fara sa fi mustrat sau sa intampini  regrete la tot pasul. Probabil ca odata cu varsta am ajuns sa complic in capul meu tot ceea ce gandesc. Am ajuns sa cred ca nimic nu este simplu si ca totul are o explicatie, iar explicatia pe care o caut cere mai mult decat trei lovituri din glezne si o dorinta aruncata spre cer ca sa poata fi deslusita.
   
     ...Imagineaza-ti o cutie, deschide-o, pune in ea toate gandurile, grijile, prietenii, familia si acum inchide-o!...     

     Voi continua prin a-mi marturisi ca imi este frica. Mereu mi-a fost frica sa nu fiu judecat, tras la raspundere chiar si pentru faptele mele fiindca stiu ca nimeni, aproape nimeni nu ma intelege.Am sentimentul ala constant de nesiguranta fiindca stiu ca nici macar eu nu ma consider capabil de a ma cunoaste 100%.
   
    ...Leag-o cu niste lanturi groase si apoi fa-o sa dispara...

      Va trebui sa spun multumesc! Multumesc Sa. pentru ca in ciuda faptului ca ne certam mereu, ca ne contrazicem pe orice tema cat de prosteasca, nu-ti e frica sa-mi spui ca ma iubesti, ba chiar sa te mandresti cu fratele tau. Poate ca acum nu realizezi asta, insa nu imi doream nimic mai mult decat sa ma accepti asa cum sunt. Te iubesc si cred ca e printre putinele lucruri pe care nu mi-e frica sa le spun fiindca stiu ca e un lucru cu care si eu la randul meu TREBUIE sa ma mandresc! Multumesc B. pentru seara asta (25/02/2012), a fost momentul in care am simtit ca pot sa am incredere si mai mare in tine desi puteam jura ca nu am cum mai mult de atat. A fost momentul in care mi-ai spus ca indiferent ce s-ar intampla tu o sa ma iubesti si nu o sa se schimbe niciodata asta, lucru pe care, fie ca eram ametit, fie ca nu, stiam de atunci ca nu am cum sa-l uit vreodata.
   
       ...Concentreaza-te bine si las-o sa pluteasca spre nicaieri...

       De la o vreme simt nevoia sa vorbesc cu tot felul de persoane straine, interesante pe care nu le cunosc si nu-mi pot explica de ce fac asta. De ce incerc sa gasesc prieteni noi cand stiu ca acest cuvant "prieten" este asa un cliseu, o hiperbola aplicata de la om la om ca sa poata ascunde sentimentul de singuratate. Simt nevoia sa caut persoane interesante si sa ma bag si eu la mijloc fara sa-mi pese ca apar intr-un moment potrivit sau nu. Intr-un fel vreau dar totodata nu vreau asta. Nu vreau sa stau sa spun oricui toata viata mea in 5 minute ca sa poata sa profite, sa aiba un avantaj. Presupun ca vreau decat sa aflu povestile tuturor. Vreau timp sa gandesc si sa ascult povesti interesante.

        ...iar cand esti pregatit o sa o vezi din nou... fii sigur ca poti sa o inchizi la loc.

      Acompaniat de acest sentiment urmeaza si scuzele de rigoare. Am sa spun pe scurt fiindca mai mult de atat nu meriti momentan pentru indiferenta de care dai dovada Rz. Sa spun ca nu inteleg unde am gresit ar fi o minciuna. Am calcat stramb in momentul in care am inceput eu sa te caut. Ai inceput sa primesti din nou atentie lucru care, asa cum ti-am mai spus, te strica foarte rau. Imi pare rau ca nu a mers ceva ce pornise foarte frumos. Imi pare rau ca nu mai am rabdare sa continui cu tine.

 
     ...Inspira adanc iar apoi expira usor...

      Am sa inchid aceasta cutie cu tine fiindca tu esti persoana care a reusit sa faca o gaura. Definitia de "copil" pe care ti-ai insusit-o nu prea pare sa te caracterizeze si la mentalitate. Nu stiu ce sa-ti spun, nu stiu daca vreau sa te vad, nu sunt inca sigur insa stiu ca as vrea sa te cunosc mai bine. Tu esti persoana la care am impresia ca am aparut intr-un moment foarte nepotrivit. Simt un foc care ma consuma. Simt cum aerul nu mai e suficient si nici macar prietenii sau o tigara nu ma pot linisti cand vine vorba de tine. Imi fuge gandul spre lucruri ciudate, spre lucruri noi si nu cred ca vreau chestia asta.

     ...Acum, deschide ochii!"

Curiozitatea a omorat pisica...

          “Asa ca am decis ca mintea sa-mi fie intunecata, judecata aruncand-o intr-o cutie de fier si am ales sa ma las pe mana lor. Am tras primul fum.”
Totul incepe atunci cand o persoana, un prieten fals iti face cunostinta cu un altul, la fel de fals ca si primul insa care iti poate influenta viata in moduri exagerate. Se incepe cu o dorinta, probabil aceea de a iesi in evidenta sau poate una de a te putea integra intr-un grup ceva mai usor, crezand ca nu vei fi acceptat asa cum esti. Posibil o indrumare gresita a unui strain ce constient dar nevrand sa spuna iti va acapara intreaga viata cu o umbra de tristete, o evolutie inimaginabila a creativitatii intr-un mod tragic si o senzatie iluzorie, un sentiment constant de depresie si singuratate. Incepi sa crezi ca tot ceea ce faci este bine, este un mod facil de a te relaxa in orice situatie dar ca orice lucru care provoaca dependenta, ajunge sa fie un “start” concis pentru un involuntar “adio”.
      Treci de primul, al doilea, al treilea fum si iti doresti sa retraiesti acea experienta deoarece o consideri unica, speciala. Desi prietenii adevarati intervin si incearca sa iti arate o cale dreapta, refuzi sa crezi in existenta unei solutii si mergi cu pasi rapizi spre un drum fara de intoarcere. In drumul acesta dur spre cunoastere apare un nou obstacol, “dezamagirea”, mai ales in fata persoanelor cele mai importante din viata oricarui om, parintii. Treci peste cuvantul lor dand dovada de lipsa de bun-simt, respectul fiind cel pentru care acestia au muncit ani intregi si lasi sa rasara acel sambure ce l-ai plantat la inceputul drumului, rebeliunea. Situatia incepe sa scape de sub control, incepi sa incalci orice regula, sa comiti lucruri de care nu te credeai in stare pentru a face rost de acea suma de bani bine intiparita pe creier doar ca sa mai poti savura acel moment trist, acea speranta fada pentru un timp atat de scurt incat nu iti va satisface nevoile atat cat iti calculezi tu ca e posibil.
      Insotit de acest defect, apare in viata ta un cuvant, sa-i spunem un neologism pentru o fire firava si cuminte, minciuna. O data inflitrat acest nou cuvant in mentalitate si in vocabular incep sa apara probleme si mai mari. Ajungi la marginea unei prapastii, trezindu-te singur. Singur. Fara noi perspective, fara un orizont clar, fara trecutul de care iti este atat de dor acum si pe care il vezi la mii de kilometri distanta.
Te trezesti la stadiul in care nimic nu se mai poate rezolva si te gandesti ca poate nu ar fi trebuit sa accepti de la bun inceput influenta acestor persoane dependente de placeri nocive. Incerci sa iti cauti prietenii adevarati, un umar sa te regasesti, dar solidaritatea nu vine.
      Acasa, familia indurerata asteapta sa renunti la ceea ce ai devenit si sa redevii ceea ce erai pentru ei la inceput, un om cu vise si planuri de viitor. Constientizezi ca toate deciziile pe care le-ai luat au fost gresite, negandite si incepi sa tipi dupa ajutor. Incepi sa-ti imaginezi cum ar fi continuat viata ta fara acel prim fum si te trantesti in genunchi implorand inca o sansa. Atunci realizezi ca viata ti-a oferit prea multe sanse si nu ai stiut cum sa profiti de ele. Un ultim gand iti trece prin minte.

     Gandul acela ca pe parcursul a trei fumuri ai decis ca mintea sa-ti fie intunecata, judecata aruncata intr-o cutie de fier si ai ales sa te lasi pe mana lor. In final realizezi ca tu esti cel al carui sfarsit se apropie asemeni unei tigari consumate pana la filtru. Astepti ca focul sa arda ce a mai ramas, cand printr-o o judecata limpede ai fi putut spune “Nu drogurilor”.

A world of gratefulness

Let’s start with a short introduction: Hi, my name is … you know my name! I am … me! Consider this a reminder of who you are, yes, you! The one I’m proud to call “myself”!

    I used to have a lot of friends, funny, entertaining, good listeners. On my way to finding myself, my true self, I lost a lot of them. They began to show me their true faces, their fake smiles ... Shortly, their way of being themselves around others when they weren’t around me!

Anais Nin once wrote :"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

Let’s imagine for a moment a world without friends in it. What do you see? I see a world, an empty one to be exact, where everyone is on their own, not being able to count or lean on someone, just scared and unsure of everyone that surrounds them. Friendship is not the ordinary type of bound between two persons. Take me for example. I still have friends; old, new, wise, silly, funny and much more but that doesn’t mean that it makes it easy. I do have friends that are long gone as well and no, not dead, not out of town but here. I see them day by day and I do not interact with them at all… because you can’t be friends with everyone.

   How many of you know that someday, someone is going to walk into your life , and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else before…A friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else. They say that you are nobody until you are talked about; well I dared to prove they were wrong. You are someone just when you find the other “you” who offered to join your life and not take it for granted.  A friend is that gift from above which makes you feel like you are safe, like you are being understood, like you are not the only one with problems, and that your problems can easily be solved. A friend is the one who always tells you to walk thinking you have an invisible tiara on your head, because you deserve to be special. Because once you found that one true soul which is compatible with yours, there’s no need to label yourself in ways other people want. Just keep this one thing in mind and you’ll be more than fine forever and almost always, some friends just fit together!

There are times in life that you doubt yourself because you don’t feel safe around others. Each friend really does represent a world in all of us whether it is a world full of mistakes needed to be made in order to find ourselves, whether a world full of happiness, a world possibly not born until they arrive and never left behind even if they leave, and it is only by this meeting that our world is born. So yes! I do believe in friends because, at the end of the day, I really do love the world I live in.

Just catch me...

Celia Thaxter once said: There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart; and it shall be eternal love within a person’s life. Do not be troubled about the future for it has not yet come. Be dropped into the flood of love for it has not revealed itself. Cover yourself into the sin of friendship for it will never end, and quiet the overpowered wave of emotions for if not it will blow your realm.

Love is basically the most almighty feeling a human can send, and feeling it, would be, basically loving the human receiving, but by the time it would be received, a friend would long be gone for it shall rarely return to its origin.

Friendship it’s being a starter for love, and loving it shall be its own ending for it won't stay the same as in beginning.

Admitting is an overrated emotion for it can stop the time within two people’s hearts, but stopping the time for people can shortly underrate the power of admitting.

Denying is the following feeling you face when the one you love isn’t ready to share its love back at you. Be in denial for it gives you great strength and abilities to hide a true emotion, but run from it for it has its strings attached.

If my being myself is creating between us a friendship revolving it around love and keeping it between admitting and denying, what can I honestly do to keep us into an eternal summer if one of our hearts will lose its gratefulness?