This hurts me.

I tried. I really tried to do this the right way. Again. Over and over again.You know what I have been through. Out of all people you should be aware of the pain that I carry around with me everywhere I go. I actually imagined that if I start letting myself feel again it will help. But I can't shake the feeling that I have been taken for a fool. Again. Over and over again. As if I am trapped in a loop of misery that should've never been mine to start with. I never did anything bad to people. The only thing that I ever did was being honest to the dishonest and loving to the hollow. Are we friends? Can we even call ourselves that? I know why you did not want to tell me directly how you felt about this situation. So you could move on in peace imagining whatever reaction you wanted. Me hearing it from somebody else or imagining it and thinking “huh, I’m really gonna miss this one." I tried to care about your feelings more than I ever did before. To keep you on a pedestal and let myself overthink situations at the risk of being drained and empty. Again. Over and over again. I took it because at that peculiar moment in time I believed you would do the same. Risk it or not it was never your own choice to make. It was my choice as well. These were my feelings and you had no right to take anything but responsibility for your actions. If I be wrong than so be it. But too bad. That’s not my reaction. This is. I'm not okay with this decision. I’m not okay with you choosing yourself. Be afraid now. Be afraid of the risk you took when you put yourself above our friendship. And I’m not okay with never seeing you, my best friend, ever again. But it has to happen. In order for us to work I can't see you as my best friend. Friends don't do that to one another. This hurts me. This hurts. Again. Over and over again. And as you move on, as you feel the pain of not seeing any emotion in my eyes again, as the time goes and nothing changes, that's what I want you to remember. That you hurt me. I'm sorry, truly.  You won't get to say goodbye.

I really tried not to.

I know it has been a really long time since I last wrote something here. I got dressed pretty casual that night. Maybe I was scared. It was something so spontaneous that I did not want to waste any extra time on little things. Too scared to actually try and face the things that I have been going through lately. A few moments later I found myself locking the door. The past years have been quite interesting, to put it like that, because they taught me something important. I saw you as my friend and I swear to God that I still do.
They helped me grow more than the others. They made me a young adult. They made me a man. A man that switched from being emotionally unstable to being quite sure of what he wants to achieve in life. I drank a bit too much and for the first time in years I did not do it for a reason. The one that does not hold back from doing the things he considers worth fighting for. A man who has lost his house as a trade off for finding the true meaning of the word "home". One without a grandfather that sucked in like a sponge the wisdom from their experiences. I found myself. I revived from this unconscious motionless fall that I trapped myself in. I faced depression and I conquered it holding my head up high. I survived when I did not want to live. I drank when I swore I could not take it anymore. I smoked until I could not feel my lungs because I enjoyed the adrenaline rush it gave me. I had sex in order to feel something. I did it because I did not want it to be special in anyway. Things changed in me. And it was not. In that particular moment there was nothing special about it. I was so numb because of the amount of fake happiness that I poured into my body that I did not feel that much. I did it because I considered that nothing is going to come out of it and it did not. I had sex. The problem does not lie in the fact that I did something in the past anymore and for whatever reason I do not really care that much for the future when it comes to the love part of it all. We touched hands. I think that at this point in my life I am being confused by what real problems really mean, and that comes from a man-to-be that has faced a lot. We kissed and we started to undress one another. I'm confusing the labels in my head with other labels, mistaking friends for relationships and parents for simple friends. I have always had my thoughts in order for I have always liked to think that I'm a bright kind of a guy. I'm growing feelings inside for somebody that will never do the same. I'm confused. I'm falling for one of my closest friends. I owe to myself not to repeat the same mistakes again let alone with the same people for that would be something only a teenager would do. I am not going to stop my feelings towards you this time. I love my friends and I know for a fact that they love me back. I love you for you are one of my closest friends. I can't go back to a confused state of mind in which I'm not sure of what I want to do with my life. We had sex. I will let my experiences just be that and move on in order to gain even more. I felt something then and I tried to run away from it. I need to focus on what's real and what will have a chance of happening in my life! We had sex. We had sex and it did not MEAN anything! Then... I need to stop feeling things that I should not feel for people. Now... I need to stop and realize that what is going on right now is not helping me at all. We had sex and it MEANS everything.